Merry Christmas

I would like to wish all my "followers" and readers a very Blessed Advent Season and a Fabulous New Year.

When Life Gets too Tough to Stand....Kneel

I couldn't think of a better title than this for this post. I am going to start this post off and it may be sad to some, and me, but I promise to pick up the beat at the end.

So let's just get it out there, I am not pregnant. The IUI was not successful. I have wondered over the past 2 weeks how these things fail when everything looks so promising. The only thing I can rationalize is that it was not a part of God's perfect timing. So today marks cycle day 1, and I have already placed a call to REACH to start the process over again. Sunday, I caved and took a test (2 days early) and it was negative. Before I took the test, I kneeled and prayed and I had this overwhelming sense that I should not take that test. I prayed for God to hold me and comfort me if the test was negative, please don't give me tears, but give me focus. I prayed for Him to calm me, and to forgive me bc I haven't had the strength to keep praying for our baby. (Don't get me wrong, I just don't pray for baby anymore. My thoughts are mostly attuned to God and my internal/external conversations that I have with Him daily) However, I am human and I tested anyway. After the negative result, my mind drifted to a gym/running/hot yoga routine that I am anxious to start after this week, just bc we have SO much going on this week.

Last night I kneeled and prayed again, but not for a positive, but for today, which I was really nervous would be really tough. So far, so good and no tears. Charlie is very disappointed and he really thought this was it.

So what brings me joy today? Many things, let me tell you about them:

The power of prayer and God's arms wrapped tightly around me

Family and friends who have been praying for us

Plans to start a new year with a clean slate

Planning a week-long family vacation to Folly Beach, our little slice of Heaven in the Carolina's

and lastly; my mom is HAPPY, dating, and acting like a teenager. Even though she is under-the-
weather, she is still beaming. Her blood pressure is lower than ever, she is stress free, and OH,
did I mention she was dating a fantastic guy??? She is even surprising herself.

Oh the promises a new year will bring. I leave you with this "When life gets too tough to stand....KNEEL."

The Joys of Making "Family Memories"

Happy Monday everyone. I wanted to share a funny story from last Thursday night. I am really big into making family memories. Looking back on my childhood, we had the best time and great memories to reflect on. So in an effort to start traditions, Charlie and I (mostly me) wanted to take a family trip to McAdenville with the my sister and her family (Lori, Rob, nephew Gavin 6, and niece Reagan 3) to see the Christmas lights. Unfortunately, Rob had a work Christmas party and was unable to participate. So we load up our 4Runner with 2 carseats, Lori, Charlie, and me. We started at McDonald's in Gastonia as that was the kids choice of dining. I think the huge, indoor playground had a lot to do with that decision as well. Then off we go to the Christmas lights in McAdenville, except this time I get in the back middle seat bc Lori felt the beginning of car sickness and she took my place in the front. The night couldn't have gone better, with my hot chocolate in hand, and disregarding Lori and Charlie's quiet comments about how this outing was boring, no one was going to rain on this parade. As we are riding through McAdenville, we roll down the windows to hear the church bells and so the kids can tell every passing car "Merry Christmas." We even let Gavin put his head out of the sunroof and tell everyone "Merry Christmas." (Please don't think we are awful and dangerous, everyone else does it and we were holding onto him very tightly.) Gavin's next Christmas wish for everyone went something like this "Merry Christmas to all and to all THE goodnight." Yes, "the goodnight," but it was soo cute.

After we leave McAdenville, we are going down the interstate about 20 minutes from home, when Reagan (whom I am still sitting beside) starts saying over and over "Take my seatbelt off, take my seatbelt off." I explain that we can't bc we are going down the road and its dangerous. "Take my seatbelt off, take my seatbelt off, cough, cough, VOMIT!!" I flip the light on and find "mess" all over the place. So Lori gets me the napkins that I always keep in my dash, and I proceed to start wiping. This poor angel was just crying and soaked. As I am wiping round 2 came and this time it was projectile and was all over the place, including the back of the driver's seat and all over my hand. My eyes pop open really wide, fought off my initial urge to vomit myself, and started giving orders. "Next exit, gas station on right, GO." All the while, my little angel Reagan is just crying for me to wipe her wipe her. We were out of napkins.

We finally make it to this gas station, Charlie runs in to get supplies, Lori and I strip Reagan in the parking lot down to her undies, clean her off, and set her in the front seat with her mommy's fleece jacket over her. Reagan's clothes go into a plastic bag and are tied off, and the carseat is moved into the very back of the car as well. Oh yeah, meanwhile, Gavin, still sitting in his carseat, keeps saying "Oh my gosh, Reagan is going to die, Reagan is going to die." The car is finally cleaned (as much as could be) and back on the interstate we go with Reagan riding on Lori's lap (don't judge). Right before our exit off the interstate, Reagan says "I need a napkin, I need a napkin, VOMIT." This time she vomited all over mommy's fleece jacket....twice. Once we finally got back to their house, the windows could be rolled up, and Reagan was immediately stuck in the tub and her carseat and clothes were placed in the washing machine. Lori and Rob gave us a gift certificate to have our car cleaned both inside and out. It looks like someone takes after their mommy.

How about that for making family memories?

What do you do when.....

....your husband won't tell you what he wants for Christmas bc he can't think of anything he wants or needs? We met for a little mexican lunch date today, and again I went through the pulling teeth process to figure out what Chuckles wants for Christmas. I figured out why he has his "wants" or "needs" in the back of his mind. Prepare yourselves......wait for it.......he is being CHEAP.

WHAT? Yes, you read it, C-H-E-A-P! Today he said "Its different when its our money we are spending." Let's be honest, we all have things that we cut corners on, or a cheap side for certain things. Don't get me wrong, we don't go crazy spending money on eachother at Christmas, but if Charles doesn't suck it up, he will only be receiving his $50 toy that is identical to my 6 year old nephew's, Gavin. Well, I take that back, he will also be getting his stocking stuffers that consist of a Rubix Cube, Uno, and some chapsticks (he doesn't read this blog, so his surprises aren't spoiled). I have no clue. I suggested the iPod touch, surround sound, a sound bar, etc....NOTHING!!

Which leads me to another question. Every year, as a part of his presents, I ALWAYS make an effort to get Charlie a toy. Let's face it, men are still children whose eyes beam when they have a bright, shiny, brand new toy. So I will end this post by asking two questions:

1) What are areas in your life that you are "cheap?"
2) What do you try to be consistent with every year when giving presents?

It's here.....

WOW!! Never did I think that in 1 day, we would receive SO much information. So this morning, we went to REACH for our 7:30 am ultrasound and labs. So during our day 12 ultrasound, we were told we may see candidates for the follicles which would release eggs, but probably nothing definite. Dr. W first checked my uterine lining, which measured at 8 mm (he wanted to see at least 7 mm). He then proceeds to check my right ovary and see some "possibilities," but nothing definite. Then he moved over to check out my left ovary and said "Woooaaahh, there they are." Apparently I have 2 great follicles, and once I take my ovidrel shot, I WILL release 2 eggs.

I also asked Dr. W about the gender statistics for IUI. He explained they were 50/50 and went on to explain that IVF babies typically lean more towards female babies. I then asked if we got pregnant, what are our chances for twins, since there are two eggs that WILL be released. He explained that with IUI, we have a 25% chance of getting pregnant and if we get pregnant, there is a 20% chance of having twins. He ended our visit by telling us, that someone would call today after my labs were complete and give me the gameplan for the remainder of the week.

After we got back from REACH, we headed to church, where our Sunday School teacher asks if we have any prayer requests. After everyone else has gone, I simply said "Please pray for us, we have a huge week coming up and we really need your prayers." At the end of class, she stops the lesson and just says that God is laying us on her heart and she wanted to know if she could pray for us again (cue the waterworks). She wanted our class to gather around and pray for us and PRAY for us they did. We really couldn't ask for a better group of people to worship our God with.

At 1:00 today, I get a call from Dr. W's nurse. She explains that I need to take my Ovidrel shot at 6:00 pm tonight and then report to REACH at 7-7:30 am on Tuesday morning for the process to begin.

So at 5:30 pm I show up on my sister's doorstep, dangling the Ovidrel box in front of her eyes. It was like waving a t-bone in front of a dog, she was READY to give that shot. Lori did an amazing job, and the shot was painless.

So Tuesday morning is our time. Please continue to pray for us and also for a very dear friend who is about to go through the same procedure as us. Its no fun to struggle with infertility; but I am glad I have this friend to lean on and go through it together. Love you friend.

Not the Ideal Time of Year, but....

...I am getting myself back into shape. Seriously, with Christmas right around the corner, this is not the ideal time. HOWEVER, Charlie and I had our pictures made last Sunday afternoon. Our photographer was GREAT, LOVE HER. But I do not like the way I look "soft" and "pudgy," definitely not the photographer's fault, but only MINE!!! Now I have noticed clothes fitting more snug or just not fitting at all over the last year, and I guess it is officially time to wave goodbye to the french fries, raw fries, and sweets that I LOVE so much! So my goal is to hopefully get back to 130...an ideal weight for me. I look anoerexic in my 120's. In all honesty, there have been days that I come home and will cook dinner, do this and that around the house, and then crash on the couch and not move. Why? I may be upset about my dad and his "situation," upset about not being completely satisfied with my career, or that I am just not pregnant. No more of this nonsense. These pictures make me see how important exercise is in our daily routines. Today I took myself to Body Pump for the first time since I was pregnant, and I feel soooo good. Why did I ever stop going in the first place? Hmmm. Charlie and I have always said that if people battling depression would try to go to the gym consistently, they may not need to take the medication for depression. So, with that said, I am going for a run. Catch ya'll later.

A Time to Give Thanks

This year I feel like my favorite holiday flew by. One day I was cleaning my house and making pumpkin rolls and the next day, I was fast asleep on the couch, nursing a migraine bc all the hustle and bustle was over for that day. I LOVE hosting dinner parties at our house, so it brings me joy to see my favorite faces walk through our front door to give thanks. We feasted on all sorts of Thanksgiving treats, enjoyed some football, and even sorted through the sales papers planning our attack route for Black Friday!!
Black Friday is a tradition with my sister and mom. Every year we do this and every year, we get out earlier and earlier. This year, we hit up Kohls at 4, Lowes, and Cracker Barrel. Then we made a pit-stop by the REACH Clinic on our way through Charlotte to Northlake Mall. My side of the family is completed, but now we just have to work on Charlie's side.
Charlie and I had our pictures made yesterday afternoon at Glencairn Gardens in Rock Hill. We took the dogs (which didn't last long) with their fresh hair cuts and coordinated outfits, and off we went. Charlie was NOT a fan, and informed me that I owed him a Chinese Buffet outing (VOMIT at the thought of all the bacteria) bc he was taking these pictures.
So, YES, I did mention the REACH Clinic above. With the IUI just over a week away, I find myself excited, nervous, hopeful, all at the same time I am trying to keep my emotions in check and not get my hopes up. I started taking Clomid again this month and well I am one CrAzY woman. Let's just put it this way, I slept with the window open in our bedroom for the last 2 nights. I am comfortable and Charlie freezes. My prescriptions are filled and my ultrasound appointment is this coming Sunday morning at 7:30 am. I am excited that we are taking this new route, and even more excited to hear for myself how this is all going to go down. AHHH, the anticipation of it all.

We Now Have a Plan

Happy Friday. I hope everyone enjoyed their Veteran's Day holiday. We spent our Veteran's Day morning at the REACH Clinic where we spoke with our doctor about our plan of action. He informed us that my bloodwork came back normal, I just seem to have hyperactive ovaries, a luteal phase defect, and NO PCOS!!

He recommended that if we wanted to take the most basic route toward achieving a pregnancy, we could do ovulation induction aka Clomid or similar drugs. Or, we could take the fast track toward pregnancy, we could do IVF (70-75% of pregnancy for a female like me). My eyes were immediately overtaken by tears bc we strongly feel that we are spinning our wheels on Clomid. We informed the doctor that the Clomid route was not enough, and we were taking Clomid before we came to the clinic. He then suggested IVF, which has great chances of achieving a pregnancy, but it also comes with a price tag, for us, of $11k. OUCH!

Charlie asked about IUI. The doctor told him, in most of his cases, he uses IUI only when the male has a bolder line "swimmer" analysis. Charlie does not seem to have any problems in this area, therefore, it would only increase our normal chance of pregnancy from 20% to 25%. He stated that he would do IUI for us, but he wanted us to take time to decide. Apparently this doctor does not know who he is talking to...bc we have wanted to pursue this route for quite some time. I explained to the doctor that I would LOVE to have all the stress of conceiving taken away from us and that I would give almost anything to be able to spend time with Charlie without the constant thought of baby baby baby. This would allow us to get back to being just US....the way it should be.

Sooo, with that said, we are going to pursue IUI in December, and we could not be more excited. We are going to go through 4 cycles and see what happens; if not, IVF here come The Cagle's. On day 1 of my next cycle, I am supposed to call the clinic and set up a day 3 appointment for bloodwork and an ultrasound. Please continue to pray for us on our journey, and I will keep you updated.

SOOO Excited!

Good morning. I have been up bright and early this morning with no signs of stopping until about 9-10 tonight. Soooo, I took the plunge and called the REACH Clinic (Reproductive Endocrinology Associates of Charlotte). I just felt like we were spinning our wheels at the OB's office, and while I have a ton of respect for my doctor (he is who discovered my niece's heart and chromosomal defects), I realized I would not be his first patient to seek additional help without his referral. After explaining to his nurse my complete respect for him, but I just FEEL I need more help than what an OB's office can provide; she informed me that he would gladly have me back after I was pregnant (God willing). I felt like I was breaking up with my OB.

So before I called his office and spoke to his nurse, I called REACH to find out if I needed a referral, if they accept my insurance, and how far out they are booking appointments. No, I don't need a referral, yes they accept my insurance, and they have appointments in November. So the receptionist put me through to the New Patient Appointment scheduler, and didn't hear back from her on Wednesday. So, I called first thing yesterday morning; finally got her on the phone and told her:
WE ARE SO READY!
She said "How ready?"
I said "What do you have available?"
She said "Tomorrow morning at 10:30, we had a cancellation."
I said "Schedule it."

So yes, I am on my way to the REACH Clinic this morning. It all fell into line so perfectly. I cannot wait to have a "plan" of my own and to get answers. Oh, how nice answers will be. Please pray for us on this new part of our journey.

Can't Think of a Title for this One

On my drive to work this morning I did a lot of thinking, which led to tears, which then led to happiness. You see, I have started this habit over the last 3 weeks of listening to Selah while driving to work. Yes, I have my favorites which are on "repeat," but I find this is some of the most soul-calming, praise-hands worthy, drop-you-to-your-knees-in-praise music I have ever heard. I have some of the best moments of my day during my drive to work.

My thought process this morning: its been almost 5 months since "June;" 3 months of "trying" AGAIN; progesterone levels over the last 3 months are not ideal; an HSG test accompanied with a curved organ that needed "straightening (OUCH!);" a negative pregnancy test this morning even though I thought I recognized some of my former pregnancy symptoms; it seems like a dream that I was ever pregnant, like it never really happened to us, like a bad dream that had such a sweet, precious beginning; December is quickly approaching, which means my due date is that much closer, and lastly God, where are You?

WOW!! God, where are You? Seriously, Mary let's get some things straight. Pregnancy is not a right just bc I am a woman. I am not broken and I am not inadequate as a woman, which are feelings that I have. God blesses us in life and one of God's blessings is the blessing of children and their sweet, loud noises that fill our homes. My God is merciful and He is faithful, and He will bless us with children, one day, in His time, not MINE. So I will continue to praise God for all He has blessed me with, PRAISE Him that I had such a short, sweet time with our little one, and remember that He chose me to be with that sweet life for a short time. Thank you God, as You have never left me and have always been and will be right here holding me on this journey. So God, I am going to continue following doctor's orders, but I know its all in Your time and I trust in You.

By the way, if you have never listened to "Wonderful, Merciful Savior" by Selah, I suggest you do so. Have a fantastic day!!

Updating

I have to be honest, since the below post called "Tired" that's exactly what I have been. I have deliberately stayed off of the blogs, and from updating my blog bc, quite honestly, I just needed a break. Today I had an HSG, or hysterosalpingogram, at CMC Pineville. For me, it was just another day of going through the motions on this journey. Since "Tired" I have checked out, but I think its a good thing, and healthy for me. That's all for now.

"Those Girls" Do DC

Over the weekend, a group of my sorority sisters set out on a roadtrip to DC. What's in DC, you may ask?? Only one of the best, most classy lady EVER...Lindsay! Linds had no clue we were coming to visit her. When we walked up, she was unloading groceries and just stared at us through the back of her car window. On Saturday, we did a drive-by of the monuments and enjoyed some shopping in Georgetown. Georgetown...hmmm, sounds like a trip to Georgetown Cupcakes was in store. Not quite, as I have posted a picture of the line outside the shop. Instead, we tried a cupcake shop called Baked and Wired. I like it much better than Georgetown Cupcake and will go back when I visit Linds and Jamie in the spring. You will see Linds and her fiance, Jamie, on this blog again, as they are getting married in Blowing Rock next weekend.

Chicago

Charlie went to work in Chicago from 9/2-9/12/2010, and one of the perks to his travel is that I get to visit these amazing cities on occasion. My MIL, Fran, flew up with me bc she wanted to see Chicago and since Charlie was working during the day, she would be my shopping buddy/site see'er. So I have posted some pics below from our Chicago journey.

Cooking Light

I subscribed to this magazine at the end of Gavin's school year last spring. Normally, I see a few good recipes I want to try, but none of these stay around the Cagle house for long. Until now. If you have not bought your own copy of the October 2010 Cooking Light, I highly suggest you do so. Since I cannot find the pictures of some of the delicious recipes we have tried, I will tell you about them.

The mushroom patty melt on whole grain bread, use some reduced fat provolone, lean ground sirloin...and this is one tasty dish. This recipe also called for dark beer...hmm. So I called Charlie while on the beer aisle at Wal-Mart and asked about which dark beer to get. Charlie doesn't speak dark beer either, so I ended up guessing with Yuengling (sp) Dark and Tan (if that doesn't mean dark beer, then I am clueless). We have also tried the potato soup recipe, which was great when Charlie came in soaking wet from the Panther game on Sunday evening. It was super fast and included reduced sodium chicken broth, 1% milk, red potatoes, etc. Best potato soup EVER! Last night, I splurged and made peanut butter banana bread with peanut butter glaze. Charlie had 2.5 pieces...I could only eat half of mine bc it was rich. I liked this recipe bc I used plain greek yogurt instead of oil, eggbeaters for eggs, and brown sugar splenda for the brown sugar.

The magazine also gives tips on what to pair with pear. Here lately, we began using fruit in our salads, such as strawberries and pears. I tossed the mixed greens with a tish of red wine vinegar and olive oil and then start adding the salad contents. Last nights was carrots, pear, goat cheese, and walnuts.

This is the best magazine to transition into the fall season. Go buy yours today.

Tired

Not as in sleepy tired, but emotionally tired and drained of all the blood draws, testing, doctor's appointments, loss, crappy doctor's office, time passing, pain, the poking and prodding, etc. The doctors office called with my progesterone results yesterday, and 13.2 is not the number I was expecting to hear. When I was pregnant, my progesterone level was 34.9. I have a doctor's appointment on Tuesday afternoon and I am assuming, since I am not pregnant (btw, my pregnancy test this morning was negative) we are going to discuss a plan of action. I know he is not going to put me on Clomid this next month, which means that next month is going to turn into another barren month. Sick and tired of month after month of disappointment and heart breaks, I am going to discuss my own plan of action with him.

Currently, I am sitting 50/50 on making myself completely numb to this whole idea of getting pregnant for the next 2 months, until I take myself to the Reach Clinic (Charlie and I said we would give this 3 more months) -OR- just stopping every effort we are putting forth for baby and just see what happens. If we have a child, great; if not, it wasn't meant to be. Next month will be 20 months of this journey, and I am absolutely broken, exhausted, and just plain SICK of feeling this way!!!!! I am sick and tired or crying and feeling so weak and vulnerable over the infertility and the loss of our child. Those visions of taking our child to daycare and securing that carseat or holding our child after I give birth seem to be slipping further and further away. I am truly at my breaking point, and knowing how I handle things when I get to my breaking point; I just know that I am going to push this so far away and not want anything else to do with this fantasy that we are going to have a child of our own. Its a pattern that I am well aware of, I put up this wall, that doesn't ever fully come down, and harden myself against what has hurt me so badly. Emotionally, I am checking out.

Changes

Alright ladies. I have to admit, I am SICK of my hair. I mean, I feel like there is no style, and I have fallen into the rut of hitting the snooze to have a couple more minutes in bed with Charlie and wearing my hair up ALL THE TIME. I don't want to cut it off....at least not for now, BUT I need a change. Charlie likes me to be "vanilla," but those who know me know that I am not a vanilla person....rather chocolate/vanilla swirl. "Let's just keep things vanilla, babe." I remember when my sister and I used to grow our hair and then cut it short and cute...it was a cycle. Never have I been nervous to cut my hair or try something new bc I always knew it would grow back. Now, I get sooo nervous. But give me some opinions. Currently, I am in the process of going back to blonde from the brown. Right now, I have long layers and its just blah. So tell me what you think about the pics below:

The blonde is my dear friend Rachel, thanks for being my model Rachel. The other is Ashley Greene....I LOVE her hair. I think I need this in my life. Hope everyone had a great weekend!!

Comforted

So I will briefly update on the Clomid process. Yesterday and today have been complete hot flash days. No headaches, nothing, but HOT FLASHES. So moving on.

I had an appointment today with a new practice located in Rock Hill and Tega Cay and Steele Creek, etc...YAY convenience. So I went back to my original doctor, "Dr. R." He walked in the room cheerful, optimistic, and ready to help me. This doctor is special to our family bc he is the one who found Miss Reagan's heart defects. So I tell him about my experience with the first baby and the miscarriage and the testing and the clomid,etc. The miscarriage happened on 6/6 and since then I have had 2 normal AF visits. This was my first month back on Clomid. He just looked at me, didn't say anything, and kept writing. So I asked, you think its too early to go back on Clomid? His answer was "I would have done a mid/low progesterone test on you to see when and if you O on your own. A lot of times after a miscarriage or pregnancy, your body starts to naturally O again on its own." WOW!! He also told me that next month, if I do not get pregnant, there will be no Clomid use in September. He wanted to test me and see if my body is O'ing on its own. He also informed me that Clomid is tied to miscarriages and if my body is naturally O'ing on its own AND I have taken Clomid this month, then my risk for multiples has also increased. I asked if the mid/low progesterone test is a version of the 21 day progesterone test that I was getting a my previous doctor. He informed me that the 21 day test is based on the thought that all women have a 28 days cycle, which many do not. Therefore, 8 days after I get the surge on my OPK I go in for progesterone testing. About those OPK tests, my previous doctor told me to quit wasting my time with those; however now they are crucial to not only tell us "good" days, but also to schedule that progesterone test.

The last part of the appointment was very encouraging and I REALLY needed to hear this today. I asked him what's happens if I do not get pregnant? I was trying to get him to talk about fertility clinics. However, his mind was not even there. He told me that I have already crossed the huge bridge of getting pregnant. Its people who have never been pregnant after so long of trying that may never have their babies. But women who have been pregnant, and even miscarried, will most of the time have their own babies. Our main concern was once we get pregnant, we need to maintain that pregnancy.

All in all, its been a great Friday. In my mind progress was made. Have a great weekend ya'll.

Clomid Day 3

Yesterday marked day 3 of the Clomid. While I was writing yesterday's post, I started having a hotflash. At lunch time I felt the dull headache come back, but by 2:00 pm it was here and on a mission. I literally thought my brain was going to pop out of my head at times yesterday. The pain was so bad it made me nauseous a few times. Given that Charlie is out of town and my head hurt so badly, I stopped by Dunkin' Donuts on the way home and ordered a bagel and praline cheesecake ice cream....don't judge. I laid on the couch from 4:30 yesterday until 8:00 when I went to sleep. While the sleep was better the hotflashes and sweating woke me up several times along with 2 furry babies who were playing on the bed. The point is that I slept for 10 hours and feel refreshed and ready for this day, which I know I am blessed to have. To prevent another "episode" like yesterday, I will pop some meds around lunch; there is just too much on my to-do list for after work to stop me today. Hope ya'll have a good one. Loves!

Clomid Day 2 & and Interesting Study

Just wanted to update on my Clomid symptoms for day 2. Yesterday was fine until about mid-morning and then I start having hot flashes...not just feeling hot, but full on sweating, feeling like insides are a furnace...HOTFLASHES! Then after lunch the headache started. It did not go away yesterday and I still have the dull remains even this morning. I was determined I was going to do what was on my to-do list yesterday: go to Wal-mart for groceries and to the farmer's market. I cooked green beans yesterday (stringed them, snapped them, and put them in a pot for hours) for the first time ever and okra (I live in the south and have NEVER done this) and was pretty impressed with my supper. At Wal-mart I also did something that I have never done before...bought WHOLE MILK. Here's why:

A study found that women who ate 2 or more low-fat dairy food portions per day increased their risk of ovulation-related infertility by 85%, compared with women who ate less than 1 portion per week. If women ate at least 1 portion of high-fat dairy food a day, their risk of anovulatory infertility was 27% lower compared to women who had 1 high-fat dairy serving a week or less.

If total calorie intake was unchanged, the study found that an extra serving of low-fat dairy foods appeared to increase risk of infertility by 11%. While an extra serving of high-fat dairy products was associated with 22% lower risk of infertility. The study also found that women who ate ice cream two more times per week had a 38% lower risk compared with a woman who ate ice cream less often than once per week.

I googled this topic about whole milk for fertility purposes when a girlfriend told me about a book called the Fertility Diet. In the book, it is suggested to drink whole milk, which then led me to this article. www.medpagetoday.com/Endocinology/Infertility/5158

Needless to say, my original grocery list of greek yogurt and skim milk was quickly revised to include no yogurt and added whole milk. The study also says that once you become pregnant, women should revert back to their lowfat ways. However, if we plan to have another child (which we do), I will probably just stay on the whole milk and eat the occasional ice cream in hopes that we never go through these infertility struggles again.

Clomid Day 1

Good morning. Before I kick this day off, I thought I would share some symptoms I already experienced from the Clomid. Yesterday afternoon, a headache set in that didn't let up until I fell asleep. Last night's sleep was restless as I was hot, but not having hot flashes. I just slept halfway out of the the already very light covers. Poor Tonka (my cuddle bug) didn't know what to do in that cold room without his usual covers. Needless to say, he ventured over to Daddy's side of the bed and cuddled with Charlie. Please pray for us on our journey to this baby that we so desparately long for.

Let's Get This Party Started...

I have been waiting for this day for 2 months and 3 days. Today marks day 1 on Clomid. Please pray for us as we embark on this journey yet again; a journey where you never know if you are going to get "normal" Mary or psycho chick. These two have been known to alternate by the minute, so watch out! In all seriousness, we need your prayers, so send them our way. We will keep you posted....maybe even a little bit of "normal" Mary or psycho chicks episodes. We should name these 2, any suggestions??? Send those my way too. Happy Monday ya'll!

Its Been Awhile

Good morning friends. My apologies for the lack of posting as I have been in and out with travel for work and being lazy with my hubbs. When you aren't around eachother for big parts of the week, I just want to spend all my time with him doing nothing...or eating REALLY bad food at the WING KING (which is not doing anything to help those last 2 inches I want to shed from the waistline)!! I feel like I have spent July in the holding cell or on the sidelines just waiting for August to arrive. Yes, I have enjoyed life: lunch dates with friends, pool time with other friends, shopping, seeing a VERY dear friend for the first time since my birthday in January, movei date with hubbs to see "Eclipse," decorating the house and thinking of new ideas for the bedroom, picking out crown moulding and paint to start repainting, and of course going to church. All of these things bring me great joy as I just LOVE some FELLOWSHIP! Where has my new camera been when I needed it to capture these memories?? Note to self: must do better!!

So about that holding cell/sidelines. August is almost here and I cannot wait until I can start popping the Clomid once again. My worst fear: that it will take 14 months to get pregnant again, which when I was explaining this to my therapist, he told me that I need to calm down and to quit stressing bc stress does not work well for our bodies. As August quickly approaches, I am starting to do things that are taking my stress level down a notch: seeing my therapist, a massage, a bubble bath or two, and I am reading a great book "I Will Carry You," which has put so many things in perspective. I am also cutting out the caffeine again. I got back into the caffeine, especially my morning coffee and Diet Coke a day (caffeine free Diet Cokes are not good). I am excercising and trying to go to the gym and working on the house. (I will post before and after pics of the family room). Anyway, off to another day at the office and another evening of painting. Hubbs is going to be so happy when he comes home to all the changes in the house.

4 Day Weekend

So for the 4th of July, we vacationed in Folly Beach with my sister Lori, BIL Rob, and nephew and niece, Gavin and Reagan. We stayed in a wonderful house on the river, shopped our hearts (and wallets out), enjoyed a great glass of wine over a romantic meal at High Cotton, cooled off with some frozen yogurt at Fresh Berry, enjoyed a sinful cupcake from Cupcake, enjoyed amazing breakfasts at Joseph's and Lost Dog, enjoyed an afternoon with my Gavin and Reagan experiencing Charleston for their first time in the fountain and along with candy and gelato galore, spending quality time together with many laughs, another experience of a "Harrill correcting a Harrill" moment, an awesome firework display on the USS Yorktown. Here are some pics:

Held

I have been writing this post for a few days, but have been thinking about it for the past 3 weeks or so. So, for the past 3 weeks on my way to work, at least 2-3 mornings on my drive into Charlotte I have heard Natalie Grant's song "Held" on the radio. I have really listened to the words and find that this song is so true about life. Everyday, every passing minute whether I am alone or with others, I feel like something is missing and empty....man I have felt empty. At first this was incredibly and right next to unbearably strong. I have had days where there are no tears, only thoughts and feelings, but other days I have found myself on my knees praying. Over the last month, some of these feelings have eased and calmed, but I am not sure the feeling that something is missing will ever go away. As I go through my day to day life I realize that this what it means to be "Held." I am still here and blessed with another day of life. But if it weren't for my faith and hope in God's promise, I do not know how I would ever find some semblance of peace. " Being "Held" is when I find out a best friend is pregnant and I can't get as excited as I want to be without sounding fake. The truth is, I can't get excited over things the way I used to....with anything. Being "Held" is finding out another friend is pregnant after her long struggle with infertility and I can't pick even pick up the phone yet to congratulate. I know she understands, bc when I told her I was pregnant, I saw her tears in her eyes. I have prayed for these friends and for God's will on their journey for pregnancy. I am truly happy for these friends, but I am unable to show it the way "Mary" would show it. Being "Held" is when the latter friend sends a letter to tell me her wonderful news and I cry, but not because I am jealous (yes, I want what she has, but jealous is a strong word), but bc she gets it; she understands. Being "Held" is getting a baby shower invitation to another best friend and taking a deep breath before I put the invitation on the refrigerator. BUT being "Held" is also having a 2 hour conversation with a friend from long ago about our lives and feeling like we have never lost touch. Its a great feeling. Being "Held" is a long weekend trip to Charleston with family. Being "Held" is piecing back the relationship with my father after so much has been said and done bc God says to honor our father and mother. Being "Held" is desparately waiting for August to get here. Being "Held" is falling asleep on my best friend, my true other half, and our dogs on a lazy Friday night.

"This is what it means to be held
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
and you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything failed
We'd be held"

Lights, Camera, Action

SUPER excited to show off my new camera:

Introducing the new Kodak m580, with Share button feature!!!!











With 8x optical zoom, 14 mega pixel, 3 inch lcd screen, and it has this really neat "Share" button on it so I can immediately post on facebook, flicker, videos on youtube, access to Kodak galleries (??), and email. The Kodak website had it for $199 marked down to $149. Wal-mart had a bundle package that included the camera, 4 gb memory card, and a camera case for $149.00. So I bought the bundle, but it was only available in the pink color, which I think screams "I heart Justin Bieber!!" and "Let's trade silly bandz!!" too much for me. Sooo, I plan to take back the pink color to my local Wal-mart and get the dark purple or silver one. But with 14 mega pixels, I will definitely be needing that memory card. Thank you Wal-mart.

I have to be honest, it used to bug me so badly when out with girlfriends and that all that was getting accomplished was picture taking. Where were we enjoying our evening/time together bc of all the pictures that were being taken?? When I was pregnant (wow, that sounds weird), I began begging Charlie to get me a new camera. I wanted to document EVERYTHING, but I didn't want to do so on our old camera bc Stella had chewed the cord and it was a piece!! So now, looking back the only picture I have of those brief moments with our child is the one that appears in the post below "Bump Status." The pregnancy tests were trashed and so was that belly pic from my phone bc it was just too painful. The whole experience has given me a new appreciation for wanting to remember EVERYTHING bc we never know when we won't get to talk to someone, laugh with someone, or even place our hand on our bellies giving thanks for the blessings within before they slip away. So here is our new camera to capture those memories and being able to remember the blessings through all the pictures. Life is sooo precious and so is the miracle of life, so let's make sure we tell those around us how much we care and capture a moment or two. God Bless!!

Challenges, Hope, and Faith

Well, today was my first day back to work and I am not going to lie, it was TOUGH!!! My coworkers have been amazing: last week a beautiful bouquet of flowers arrived at our house, an increbibly sweet card arrived in the mail on Friday, and I had cards and sweets (someone really knows the way to my heart) on my desk waiting for me this morning. It makes my heart sing to know that my coworkers are such spiritual people and really know God. Thank you.

Where are we now? Well, the mornings are really tough and so are the nights. So far tonight, I am good. I am still very hopeful for our future, but at the same time I have been running all the possible scenarios through my head about why God called our child away from us too early. What I have learned this week is that this is a loss, I am the mother of a child who is no longer here, we are grieving, Charlie grieves differently than me, I have anguish, I am in emotional overdrive, and I NEVER knew I could love someone so much and never have seen their face. Hannah's Hope quotes "God's word never said we were not to grieve our losses. It says we are not to grieve as those who have no hope." We should always have hope and faith in our Creator bc through Him all things are possible. Hebrews 11:1, 6 says "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to Him must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him."
At church yesterday we discussed that we need to be thankful for all the blessings that we receive everday and take forgranted. I woke up this morning, I saw Charlie's face (and kissed it too), I have a job, I spoke to both my parents and in-laws today, I walked the dogs tonight, felt the breeze on my face during my bike ride, and am snuggled into my huge bed with my dogs. Yes, we are being challenged at this moment and have little footprints that are left on our hearts, but we have eachother and we have hope and faith for our future. I love you Charlie, you are my world, my heart, my everything.

Sunday Storms Leave Monday Rain

Since I started this blog to chronicle our journey of infertility, pregnancy, and eventually sharing family updates; I have to be true to the blog's purpose and not hold back...even in the stormy chapters in life. So here goes....

I had been having signs since Friday that something was not quite right. We called the on-call phyician twice over the weekend. As Sunday rolled around, we found ourselves in the emergency room at 7:00 am. 5 1/2 hours later, we found out that our 11 week beloved miracle, was not more than 5 1/2-6 weeks old and they could not find a heartbeat bc the heart probably never started beating. After this news, I can honestly say, without hesitation, that I have never felt more vulnerable, humiliated, uncontrollable sadness, brokeness, emptiness, and helplessness at one time in my life. However, I found out that I was not alone; Charlie was right there with me.

On Monday, we went to the doctor to follow-up from Sunday's visit (but we had long awaited this appointment to hear our child's heartbeat for the first time), and the ultrasound and doctor confirmed that my body was trying to miscarry and that the yolk sack never formed. She went on to say that she has never seen this particular problem occur more than once in the same patient.

So where are we now? I cried myself to sleep last night in Charlie's arms. I woke up at 6:00 am this morning thinking this was all a nightmare and quickly realized this was reality. Arriving at the doctors' office, I knew I would immediately be challenged by all the baby bumps coming in for check-up. The first one I saw brought uncontrollable tears. For the first part of the appointment, I kept feeling like we were reliving yesterday's nightmare. Then we met with the doctor, who was relateable, calming, and began to ease my screaming soul. We were given options and hope for the future, and guess what.....We can start working on our family again in 1 month's time, I can start clomid again, and receive progestrone supplements when I become pregnant again. The good news, we can get pregnant!

My sister keeps telling me that "God will bless us." Hebrews 12: 7-8 says "Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? If you are not disciplined, then you are illegimate sons and not true sons." As Christians, we go through many times of discipline throughout our spiritual walk. In Jeremiah 31:13 the Lord says "I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow." Today, I have felt and seen things that I never want to experience again, but today I have laughed, been kissed by my husband, had fellowship with a dear friend (who is a sister to me) and family, and I have hope for the future. Through our tears and broken emotions, we have faith that one day, God will bless us with our family and for those days, I can't hardly wait. God bless and know in your darkest times, God will NEVER abandon you.

I have "Bump Status"

The word "status" is thrown around between my sister and me constantly. For example, here are 2 statements from Lori:

1) "I can't wait to have "Aunt Status." - when we were trying to get pregnant

2) "Do I have "Hot Momma Status?" - when she was losing the baby weight from Reagan

Well, now I have my own status "Bump Status." This week I have been out of town working, and when walking by the mirror in the hotel room bathroom, I saw this guy, which had just popped out to say HI!

Here we are at 10.5 weeks. Umm, we are really starting to wonder how many are in my belly. Well, we go to the doctor on Monday to hear the heartbeat and hopefully get a head count.

I also have to say that I have read Jenny McCarthy's "Belly Laughs." A dear friend told me read it and don't doubt for a second that her symptoms won't happen to you. Well, I am a pretty even-kiltered person (except when you are hurtful towards those I love), but "Psycho Chick" came to visit last Friday. When I say "Psycho Chick," Charlie made the statement "I just can't do anything right today, can I?" (he has never said that to me EVER), I laughed and cried at the same time, and criticized every move he made. Needless to say, I put myself to bed early that night.

I am also REALLY sensitive to people's comments now. For example, my boss who is not always the most tactful person says to me 2 weeks ago (after glaring at the belly region) "Your clothes are getting fitted; how are you coping with that?" Me "I don't have anything to cope with; I am ecstatic!" Today, after she saw the pic above, she said "Gettin chubby." Our friend told me last night after we made a pit stop by McDonald's for supper (I got a kids meal) "Wow, you are just going to turn into a little McDonald's aren't you?" These people are lucky that "Psycho Chick" wasn't in town on these occasions. Its interesting that people's courtesy and sensitivity to pregnant women lack sometimes, but honestly I don't care too much...we waited long enough for our miracle that I will endure anything. Update on Monday!! Happy weekend and Thank you Father for our miracle. I thank you everyday, multiple times per day, but thank you again!!!

Mary Full of Life

So if you have been following my blog, you know that I have had a lot of difficulty in getting pregnant. It has been a very trying, tear-filled, and self-reflecting 14 months of my life. The month of March was a HUGE month for Charlie and me; Charlie got saved, we were baptized, and then we GOT PREGNANT!!!! I do not consider this a coincidence; but the sheer work of God Almighty, the ultimate healer. This past year, I have prayed for this child that I now carry and cannot put my thoughts and feelings into words. I am forever grateful to the Lord.

So the first test I took was very faint, and that week we ended up spending about $60.00 in home pregnancy tests because Charlie did not believe it was real and he wanted to see the test line get darker and darker.....THE DOUBLE LINES....FINALLY!!! Just so you, too, can see the progression:

We are just so excited. Our first appointment was April 30, and I was disappointed that we didn't get to see our little jellybean bounce around. Instead, the nurse took away almost all of my favorite foods (ie sushi, tuna, rare steak, brie, goat, and any soft cheese that isn't pastuerized). We go back on June 7 at 8:00 am for our first ultra sound and to hear the heartbeat. So far, there is notsickness, but I know what I want to eat, and when I am not hungry, I am not hungry. I crave skim milk and cereal. I will start posting belly progression pictures soon.

A new, but dear friend, told me when we first met how prophetic my blog title was "Mary Full of Life. This was not the intent, I got the name from the catholic (whatever it is) Mary Full of Grace, but thought it would mock to use that as the title. Therefore, since I am full of sass, I thought Mary Full of Life would work; never did I imagine it to be so full of meaning. We are excited for you to join us in the new chapter of our lives called Pregnancy!!

Praise Alert

On Friday May 14, 2010, my beautiful niece Reagan Blake turned 3 years old. For those of you who don't know, she was born with a chromosomal defect called 8p deletion. With this defect, she could be mildly to severely retarded, have aggressive behavior, and has the potential to be completely self destructive. She was also born with 4 heart defects and underwent reconstructive heart surgery on January 12, 2009. I can't begin to imagine what my dear sister and Rob must have been expecting when they first met Reagan 3 years ago. I am so grateful for this child that I have posted a couple pics:


The morning of Rea's surgery; Team Reagan in full effect!




This is Reagan and her brother Gavin on Easter Sunday 2010.

If this is not proof that God exists and is the great physician; then you are just crazy!!! God bless and thank you for miracles!!!

Please Pray

Hey ya'll. I just wanted to lift a couple families up in prayer. Please pray for:

1) My next-door neighbor Terri and family. Terri's husband Kent passed away Monday morning, there is no cause of death determined as of now, but it was very sudden. I know how in shock we are bc Charlie just spoke to Kent Sunday morning before church in the yard, and I just cannot imagine how shocked his wife and children are. Please remember Terri and Kent's children, 2 twin boys (20 somethings) and 1 daughter (20 something). Their daughter was supposed to get married in 11 days back home in Wisconsin. PLEASE lift this family up in prayer.

2) Also, we have a family in our Sunday school class. The husband was laying down floors in their house on Monday and was using some form of a saw. I know there have been one of few fingers lost (not sure of the specific details), but either way this will be an adjustment to him, his wife, and son. Please pray for his healing and strength.

3) On a positive note, I have praise I wanted to share. A good friend of ours found a job in Charlotte after being laid off, and is starting work today. Pray for him to excel at this new occupation and to continue to provide for his wife.

I've been "stable" all month and then.....

So its been quite some time since my last post; I'm sorry. We have been so busy and ACTIVE. OMG with spring here we are jogging at night, going to the gym after work, going to softball games, and throwing softball in the street in the late afternoons. OH YES, and GRILLLING...one of my favorite things to do!!! You know, I mentioned in my last couple of posts that we were not pregnant last month and that I have really had a peace about me and my demeanor is just different. Well, at some point, the tears and emotions had to show their faces and play Debbie-Downer for about 15 minutes. With the clomid intake, I have to go to the lab every 21st day and get my blood drawn to see if the clomid worked or not. You see, last month, I was so nervous and upset (for some reason) about having my blood drawn, feeling inadequate like the clomid would not work on MY body, OH and then a pregnant teenager (with her big beautiful bump), her mother and who I think was her boyfriend sat down right in front of me at the doctors' office while waiting to get my blood drawn. Well, the tears welled up for sure and I sure couldn't hide it!!! (I REALLY need to work on not judging others.) This month, my 21st day fell on Friday. So here I am going to grab some quick breakfast with my sister before the appointment with my thoughts attuned to Him. On the drive to meet her, something turned on the waterworks bc I had tears everywhere. Its the same feelings/thoughts each time: when will I see the + test and when will it be our turn, and Lord, why can't Your will be NOW?? I can't imagine hearing our child's heartbeat for the first time and I definitely cannot fathom what it will be like to hold our child for the first time. Then just as soon as I met up with my sister, the tears stopped and we talked about it. We have decided that I get this way bc this is when I receive news; its not just waiting, its KNOWING!! So as I set out to the doctors' office, my thoughts were attuned only to Him who I knew would be with me and comfort me...He was with me so much the needle prick didn't even hurt :) . I have also spoken with my Pastor (related to my father) and the fertility situation just came up somehow. The next time we cross paths, he wants to pray over us... AMAZING!
I also cannot leave out that I met a new friend on Thursday night. She is amazing and its nice to know we aren't going through infertility alone. Life is great and God is Awesome!!

Not Guilty



Today at church, I heard one of the most powerful songs I have EVER heard. Its called "Not Guilty" and sang by Mandisa. Below are the lyrics:



I stand accused

There's a list a mile long

Of all my sins

Of everything that I've done wrong

I'm so ashamed

There's nowhere left for me to hide

This is the day

I must answer for my life

My fate is in the Judge's hands

But then He turns to me and says



I know you

I love you

I gave My Life to save you

Love paid the price for mercy

My verdict not guilty



How can it be?

I can't begin to comprehend

What kind of grace

Would take the place of all my sin?



I stand in awe

Now that I have been set free

and the tears well up

as I look at that cross

Cause it should have been me



My fate was in the nail scarred hands

He stretched them out for me and said



I know you

I love you

I gave My Life to save you

Love paid the price for mercy

My verdict not guilty



I'm falling on my knees to thank You

With everything I am I'll praise You

So grateful for the words I heard

You say



I know you

I love you

I gave My Life to save you

Love paid the price for mercy

My verdict not guilty





Wow, I cannot even begin to explain my reaction to this song while it was sung this morning. I just get chills reading these lyrics. I googled all afternoon to find the name of the song and artist, and when I finally found it, I went to Wal-Mart and bought Mandisa's cd called Freedom. AMAZING!

My sister and I were talking Friday night and about life and faith. As I was explaining to my sister the things I have written below in other posts, I just crave for more of The Word, and Lori and I both described it as we just want to constantly be fed with The Word. We cannot get enough. I was explaining to her how much easier it was to deal with another month without a big fat positive on a preggie test, and Lori said it was the the only way she could get through Reagan's heart surgery. With God, all things are possible.

I Blinked...and the Weekend was OVER!!

We had a fantastic weekend. Ross and Lindsey came to visit Friday and Charlie had picked up steaks at The Peach Stand to grill that night. Some of you may not know what The Peach Stand is, but its a York County treasure, that when you pass through, you should just stop and visit. Needless to say, steaks from there are out of this world. Ross and Lindsey brought their dog, Hula, to visit as well. Bless her heart, Hula wants to play so badly, but our dogs, Tonka and Stella, only weigh 9 lbs between the 2 of them, so playing with 30 lb. cousin Hula didn't work out too well. Confession time: I am a Twilight Fanatic and "New Moon" was released on Friday night. Lori, my friend Erin, and I were in line at 11:00 pm at our local Wal-Mart to pick up our copy. In addition to my "ultimate fan edition" dvd, I also scored a REALLY nice "Team Edward" water bottle and some Twlight trading cards and temporary tattoos. The tattoos and cards are in the trash, and Edward Cullen is waiting for me for gym time use. I'll post a picture of the water bottle soon.
On Saturday, we celebrated our dear friend Gabe's 30th birthday party at Brixx in Blakeney and then some bowling action at SportsConnection.
We tried out Sunday school this past Sunday and LOVED IT!! We have never been to Sunday School together, but we thoroughly enjoyed our time and lesson. The people are Oakdale Baptist are super friendly and so eager to meet you and get you involved. I just may be talked into playing softball on the women's softball team...that should be very interesting.

With the weekend concluding, we also found out that I was not pregnant. As I was waking up this morning, I just knew that it didn't happen this month, and that's when I felt Charlie holding me, even though I hadn't yet said a word. I didn't turn over and cry and pull the covers over my head like I normally do, instead I lay in bed with my husband knowing that God has a plan and I know God will make good on His promise. Charlie noticed a peace about me this morning as we were getting ready to leave for work, and was surprised that I wasn't crying or that upset about it all. Don't get me wrong, I am disappointed that there is no baby, but I am thankful that the Clomid did its job, and I am thankful for God giving me strength to accept what I can't help this month. God hears my thoughts and knows just how badly I long for a child; He is the only one who understands what I cannot express in words. Its amazing that this month is the first time in such a long time that I do not feel inadequate and that I can't do what I was made to do. It will work out in God's time, and just like Lori tells me "You will have the right baby for you, and when you have your baby, you can't imagine having any other baby."

WOW Moments

Since my last post, I have REALLY noticed God present in my everyday life. Let me tell you a few intimate details about Charlie and me. When we were engaged, I felt in my heart that my faith was stronger than Charlie's. Now, I didn't just say I thought I was better or I acted better, but I had this deep feeling that I knew I was "saved" and for some reason Charlie was not quite there. You know how us Baptist's work...we are all about being saved....LOL. I knew that Charlie knew who the Lord was and that Charlie was baptized as an infant, but I longed for Charlie to tell me he was "saved." I COMPLETELY REALIZE that I have not been an example and have not always lived my life as I should, sometimes more than others, but I knew that if I died, I knew that I was going to HEAVEN. Last night Charlie and I were watching Season 2 of 24, rented from Netflix bc we are so loving the current season that we needed the background, so we are starting from scratch on 24. I was in this black/white striped sweater I wore to work and my oversized burgundy jogging pants, hair everywhere, rocking the same sinus headache I have had all week, Charlie cooked three meals for us last night bc he burnt the first (and stunk our house UP), the second was a frozen skillet meal (that in Charlie's words tasted like a customer he had worked for the previous week), and the third (also frozen skillet meal) was ok. About 7:30 pm our doorbell rings. Ummmm, we weren't expecting anyone and definitely did not look like it either. We opened the door and it was Pastor Jerry coming to visit. Our neurotic Morkie, Tonka, snapped at the Pastor when he tried to pet him (embaressing), so we had to put both Tonka and Stella up while he visited. We chit chatted about life and the church, etc., but then he shifted gears to Charlie and asked him "Charlie, do you know without a doubt if you died today that you are going to Heaven?" (WOW, talk about blunt...another reason I am drawn to this man.) Charlie hesitantly said "I think so, maybe...." Right then and there Pastor Jerry started witnessing to Charlie and Charlie WAS SAVED LAST NIGHT!!!! It was incredible. After we prayed, I opened up to Pastor Jerry that our conversations about faith were always at a surface level and how I longed for more than that with Charlie, and I married him hoping that if I became an example, Charlie would want what I had. I haven't done a fantastic job at being that example, but I am a work-in-progress. I have such joy knowing that I will see Charlie in Heaven with me one day, and now we can have these conversations that I have longed for. Pastor Jerry said he came by bc he knew he needed to talk to Charlie. WOW MOMENT!!! Pastor Jerry then asked Charlie if we had a good marriage, Charlie told him that we have a great marriage. Pastor Jerry said, do you want to make it even better? Pastor Jerry said, I am going to act like Charlie for a second. He came and knelt down in front of me, took my hands and said:

Pastor Jerry: "Hey Mary"

Mary: "Hey baby"

Pastor: "I love you"

Mary: "I love you more"

Pastor Jerry: "Mary, what can I pray for you today?"

We then prayed (again) and then Pastor Jerry said and then Charlie you need to read the Bible to her. Do this for 45 days and I promise your marriage will be off the charts. After Pastor Jerry left, we did just as he instructed, and I can't tell you today how happy, joyous, blessed, excited, etc. that I feel about not only Charlie, but my marriage to Charlie. Charlie gets baptized on 4/18/2010. I have no other words except the story to try to explain to you how this makes me feel. GOD HEARS US, not only through prayer, but through our thoughts. I am amazed.

In other news, God spoke to me again the other night when I met Lori at the Aquatic Center to watch my nephew Gavin at his swimming lesson. Back track about 14 months for a second, January 2009, my niece Reagan went through reconstructive heart surgery for her numerous heart defects. When Lori was pregnant with her, and over the course of the pregnancy finding out about the heart defects and her form of 8p deletion, it got to where I couldn't completely relax and I could never completely exhale. This went on from Lori's pregnancy in 2006/2007 until Reagan's heart surgery last year. After Reagan's surgery at Levine's, and driving home I could breathe and fully exhale. I wanted to do something in my life where I made a difference, I wanted to be a nurse. AppState didn't have a nursing program at that time, so who knows if I would've majored in it if they had it. I talked to my nursing friends and got their prospective, these thoughts never fully went away and I even looked into community college to start taking prereq's. Charlie sat me down and said with the economy and his job in limbo (at the time) it just couldn't happen. I have still had the desire to be a nurse, but I also have to do what is best for my family. Fast forward to the other night at swimming lessons, Lori said, you know I don't think you could be a nurse. I said why not. She said bc you have to take booster shots and stay up-to-date on your flu shots, and you can't even get flu shots, let alone you may not be able to take the booster shots bc of your Guillain-Barre. She was right and that was the closure I needed to know that nursing is not the career choice I should go with. But my point is that God used her to show me it wasn't the right choice for me, and I had just stopped long enough to FINALLY HEAR HIM!!!!

Speaking of Reagan, here is an old picture of her from last summer.

For now, Bye Bye, Peace Out, Holla, Magic!!

A Tuggin From Within...

Ok, I am about to completely "out" myself in this post, and just a warning, this could get lengthy. I don't even know where to start, so I will start from the beginning. I grew up Southern Baptist, and was baptized when I was 10 year old. I went to church quite often and completely submerged myself in my youth group throughout my teen years. Graduation came and went, and then came college. During college, I began to question my faith and what if there isn't a God, and I can even tell you the specific incident and college professor that began the onset of questions. Anyway, while I chose to "believe," I still questioned. Once I graduated from college, I found myself in a relationship that was not the healthiest. We lived together and there was NO promise of commitment. Every night I went to sleep, I prayed that God would not let me rot in hell for living this lifestyle, which I CHOSE!!!! I am telling you this to explain that this is when the "tugging," that I had been so far removed from, began once again. Deep within, I had this tugging that made me want to start pursuing Christ again, but I didn't know how to go about it. We visited church together a couple of times, but I almost couldn't stand to sit in the church pew or seat bc I felt like such a hypocrite living the lifestyle I CHOSE TO LIVE. I prayed to God at night to "knock me on my rear if this was not the right guy for me bc I was too stubborn to act otherwise." Without any further details, I was knocked completely on my rear by this person's actions, but more importantly I was knocked down by God's master plan. Again, I tell you this story to clearly show when the "tugging" started. I dusted myself off and prayed numerous times during the day for God to take the pain and rejection away and to give me peace and patience for what He had in store for me. However, while I was praying these prayers, I was still going out and living a big lifestyle and partying a little too much. One day, Charlie was on my voicemail, and I remember how just hearing this voice I hadn't heard in so long just brought the biggest smile to my face. Charlie and I began dating (and well you can read all about that in my first post) and married. Throughout our marriage we have been challenged in our little family and within our extended families. Some of those challenges in chronological order: my niece Reagan was born in May 2008, who is a special needs child suffering from, what we now know is a mild form of 8p deletion (google it), I became ill with Guillain-Barre Syndrome in the summer of 2008 where I literally thought I was going to die and abandon Charlie to fend for himself, month after month of disappointment from negative pregnancy tests, and finally my parents' very bitter split. Throughout these difficult times, I prayed and prayed for God to wrap His arms around little Reagan and our family, for God to make me healthy again, and for a + pregnancy test, and for my father to get the boot from his newfound girlfriend and to feel some hurt like the rest of us. But you know what I NEVER prayed for???? For God's will and for these instances to bring us (Charlie and me) closer to HIM. What was I thinking???!!? Throughout these last 2 years, I have really had an internal craving for God, but I haven't acted on it or put much effort in pursuing God's will like I should. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??? "Crazy Love" explains that our love dynamic with God is just that "Crazy Love," we NEED to love Him and live our lives for Him, but we don't always do that. God, however, doesn't have to love us or be there for us, but He constantly is. He bears OUR burdens and all we do is acknowledge Him maybe when we feel like or its convenient. Now that I find Charlie and I in this boat of infertility that many experience and struggle with, here I am once again praying for a positive test and eventually a healthy child and not for God's will. So now I come to the part where I am openly challenging myself to actively pursue God's will and to PRAY for God's will in our life and for life's experiences to bring me closer to HIM. If I surround myself with God's word then I can arm myself to be better prepared for the curves and bends in the road called life. I challenge myself and Charlie to go to church and become involved in the church. I think God is preparing me to become a mother and to become the person that "trains up their child" in God's hands and actively seeking God's will along the way. WOW that felt amazing to get off of my chest. Thank you Lord for giving me the courage and strength to write what is written above and for clarifying your current purpose for my life.

As an afterthought - *Thank you Jenny H (I don't even know your last name), but you really inspire me and I can see similarities between us, not just in what we are going through, but in our blogs, and book interests. I picked up Having a Mary Spirit in a Martha World last summer, got lost in it (reading on the chairs at Barnes and Noble), but never bought it. You inspired me to pick it back up again. Thank you also to my dear friend Meredith Davis for inspiring me to not only blog (haha) and being the fabulous friend you are, but for getting some great books out there to read and for indirectly introducing me to Jenny H. Today I went to BN on my lunch and bought "Having a Mary Spirit in a Martha World" and "So Long Insecurities." SO EXCITED!!

The Best News All Week....

...and its only Tuesday!! Last Friday, I went to my doctor for my progesterone day 21 testing. Thank goodness this time, I didn't end up with a bruised arm like last month. I was told the nurse would call within the next 2-3 days with my results. Well, I am not blessed with patience, so I have been stalking the nurse today trying to find out the results. As it turns out, last month's progesterone level was 4.1, which is why I was put on Clomid in the first place. This month, it turns out that my progesterone level was 15.6, which means the Clomid achieved it purpose. I immediately called Charlie to tell him the good news, and we are both so happy and hopeful as we feel this is the first month in a year that we have been given a "fair" chance for Baby Cagle. I am really trying not to get my hopes up, but at the moment its near impossible. Please pray for us, but more than that please pray for God's will on our marriage and family. As my 2 year old niece, Reagan, says, Bye Bye, Peace Out, Holla, Magic (not sure about this, but we go with it bc its so cute).

Weekend, Here and Gone

This was an amazing weekend in our household. Saturday, Lori (again, my most amazing sister) and I had a girl's day at Southpark. We NEVER get to do this, but it was just her and me, and I am just reminded why she is my best friend (aside from Charlie). After some shopping, we hit up Cheesecake Factory for some cheesecake and coffee for lunch. It was just great getting to have sister time and not be in a hurry to get home.

This morning we were also invited to go to church some friends. I was so thankful they invited us. Since we have been here, we have been on and off trying to find a church that we both like and agree on. However, within minutes of being in our seats, the Pastor walked up to us and introduced himself and let us know how happy he was that we were visiting. The music was amazing, and to be honest, that is where I really feel the closest to God and where I really feel His presence. We both left this church really grateful for the invitation. Could this be the church we call "Home?" Not sure yet, but we do know, we will be back in those chairs next Sunday morning. Thanks again Chris and Neely.

Fraud, No Thank You

We bank with Bank of America. Yesterday I noticed a strange 315 number on my missed call log on the cell. The same number called again this morning, and this time I answered it. It was a Bank of America rep. who called to tell me that there was fraudulent activity with Charlie's debit card as a result of a skimmer. My thoughts "skimmer, what?" So apparently someone made a counterfeit version of Charlie's debit card and took it for a ride at Wal-Mart in Seneca, SC for the amount of $105.64. The perpetrator tried to use it 5 times for this transaction. It finally took once and I noticed, through my daily inspection of transactions, that a strange pending transaction was present on our detail, and added a Bank of America call to my to-do list for the day. Apparently, skimmers are attached to gas pumps (think pay-at-the-pump) and ATM machines, etc. and they steal/read the magnetic information from your card, including your PIN number. Scary, right? So the lady tells me that I can google "skimmers" and it will provide knowledge of what to look for at ATM machines, etc. If you spot one, walk away casually and call the police as this is about the only way to catch these perpetrators in action. Below is a way google tells you to spot these skimmers.

I can't fight the urge that if I found a skimmer on an ATM machine, that I wouldn't try to rip it off myself, stomp it into pieces, and do a victory dance over the dead skimmer. Get a life criminals, everyone is given an opportunity to be legally successful, you should try it sometime.

RAAARRRR, Retract Those Claws

Ok, so about that Clomid: Remember how I wrote that my only symptom were the hot flashes?? Well, maybe I spoke too soon (something I tend to do often). Symptom #2: Mood Swings. What do I mean by this? Let's start with Sunday, I was talking to my mom on the phone and she had a doctor's appointment on Tuesday that she had asked Lori (my amazing sister) and I to accompany her to two weeks prior to this telephone conversation. Well, I have this appointment written down in my planner, and had planned to work over a couple hours on Monday to take off on Tuesday, instead of dipping into my annual leave. Remember, got to save that vacation and sick leave for hopeful future Baby Cagle. Well, Mom couldn't make up her mind and didn't know if she wanted Lori and I to go with her or if she still wanted to go to this consultation, and instead, she wanted her friend Nancy to go, or so she thought. She then says "Are you mad?" My response "No, but I just need you to make up your mind and quit being so indecisive? Are you going or aren't you? Your appointment is on Tuesday and tomorrow is Monday. I have to work over tomorrow to go with you, and you don't know if you want me to go, you need to tell me now. Dang, this Clomid." She just burst into laughter, which then made me laugh and I was fine. Additionally, Charlie's shoes all over the downstairs where he took them off and left them wasn't helping matters either. Fast forward to Tuesday. I noticed on Tuesday and already starting out today that I have just been extra feisty and really quick to get upset. Geez, I thought these symptoms were only going to last for a few days after the Clomid was finished. WRONG!!

Symptom #3: mild acne. Ok, not to brag, but I have been blessed with fair and clear skin. However, I have noticed that I have had these zits (you know the ones that never really surface into a head, but just bumps under the skin) on my forehead. They are not all over my forehead, but they are in the center above my nose, which when I inspect them, I see the wrinkles that have begun to develop as a result of raising my eyebrows in states of shock and/or amazement.

Clomid, you are a hassle, but I hope that you can achieve your purpose for me.

Upgrades and Family Time

This weekend was fantastic. Friday, our new bedroom furniture was delivered, and we have upgraded to a king sized bed (sound the choir voices with "Hallejuh"). However, Charlie will not let me splurge on the king size bedding just yet. The deal was, if we get the furniture, I have to hold off on my decorating for awhile, which, if you know me well, is KILLING ME!! Saturday was a fabulous day with some of my closest friends, Lindsey, Therin, and Anna, at Blakeney. We wanted to try somewhere other than Birkdale or Southpark, so Blakeney it was. I can never get enough time in with my ladies. That night we met up with Morgan and Terrance and the our spouses +Scottie for night out at my favorite mexican eatery, Cantina 1511, in Dilworth. YUM for SkinnyGirl margaritas, fajitas, and spicy guacomole with those I consider my second family. Life is grand!!