A Tuggin From Within...

Ok, I am about to completely "out" myself in this post, and just a warning, this could get lengthy. I don't even know where to start, so I will start from the beginning. I grew up Southern Baptist, and was baptized when I was 10 year old. I went to church quite often and completely submerged myself in my youth group throughout my teen years. Graduation came and went, and then came college. During college, I began to question my faith and what if there isn't a God, and I can even tell you the specific incident and college professor that began the onset of questions. Anyway, while I chose to "believe," I still questioned. Once I graduated from college, I found myself in a relationship that was not the healthiest. We lived together and there was NO promise of commitment. Every night I went to sleep, I prayed that God would not let me rot in hell for living this lifestyle, which I CHOSE!!!! I am telling you this to explain that this is when the "tugging," that I had been so far removed from, began once again. Deep within, I had this tugging that made me want to start pursuing Christ again, but I didn't know how to go about it. We visited church together a couple of times, but I almost couldn't stand to sit in the church pew or seat bc I felt like such a hypocrite living the lifestyle I CHOSE TO LIVE. I prayed to God at night to "knock me on my rear if this was not the right guy for me bc I was too stubborn to act otherwise." Without any further details, I was knocked completely on my rear by this person's actions, but more importantly I was knocked down by God's master plan. Again, I tell you this story to clearly show when the "tugging" started. I dusted myself off and prayed numerous times during the day for God to take the pain and rejection away and to give me peace and patience for what He had in store for me. However, while I was praying these prayers, I was still going out and living a big lifestyle and partying a little too much. One day, Charlie was on my voicemail, and I remember how just hearing this voice I hadn't heard in so long just brought the biggest smile to my face. Charlie and I began dating (and well you can read all about that in my first post) and married. Throughout our marriage we have been challenged in our little family and within our extended families. Some of those challenges in chronological order: my niece Reagan was born in May 2008, who is a special needs child suffering from, what we now know is a mild form of 8p deletion (google it), I became ill with Guillain-Barre Syndrome in the summer of 2008 where I literally thought I was going to die and abandon Charlie to fend for himself, month after month of disappointment from negative pregnancy tests, and finally my parents' very bitter split. Throughout these difficult times, I prayed and prayed for God to wrap His arms around little Reagan and our family, for God to make me healthy again, and for a + pregnancy test, and for my father to get the boot from his newfound girlfriend and to feel some hurt like the rest of us. But you know what I NEVER prayed for???? For God's will and for these instances to bring us (Charlie and me) closer to HIM. What was I thinking???!!? Throughout these last 2 years, I have really had an internal craving for God, but I haven't acted on it or put much effort in pursuing God's will like I should. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??? "Crazy Love" explains that our love dynamic with God is just that "Crazy Love," we NEED to love Him and live our lives for Him, but we don't always do that. God, however, doesn't have to love us or be there for us, but He constantly is. He bears OUR burdens and all we do is acknowledge Him maybe when we feel like or its convenient. Now that I find Charlie and I in this boat of infertility that many experience and struggle with, here I am once again praying for a positive test and eventually a healthy child and not for God's will. So now I come to the part where I am openly challenging myself to actively pursue God's will and to PRAY for God's will in our life and for life's experiences to bring me closer to HIM. If I surround myself with God's word then I can arm myself to be better prepared for the curves and bends in the road called life. I challenge myself and Charlie to go to church and become involved in the church. I think God is preparing me to become a mother and to become the person that "trains up their child" in God's hands and actively seeking God's will along the way. WOW that felt amazing to get off of my chest. Thank you Lord for giving me the courage and strength to write what is written above and for clarifying your current purpose for my life.

As an afterthought - *Thank you Jenny H (I don't even know your last name), but you really inspire me and I can see similarities between us, not just in what we are going through, but in our blogs, and book interests. I picked up Having a Mary Spirit in a Martha World last summer, got lost in it (reading on the chairs at Barnes and Noble), but never bought it. You inspired me to pick it back up again. Thank you also to my dear friend Meredith Davis for inspiring me to not only blog (haha) and being the fabulous friend you are, but for getting some great books out there to read and for indirectly introducing me to Jenny H. Today I went to BN on my lunch and bought "Having a Mary Spirit in a Martha World" and "So Long Insecurities." SO EXCITED!!