I have been writing this post for a few days, but have been thinking about it for the past 3 weeks or so. So, for the past 3 weeks on my way to work, at least 2-3 mornings on my drive into Charlotte I have heard Natalie Grant's song "Held" on the radio. I have really listened to the words and find that this song is so true about life. Everyday, every passing minute whether I am alone or with others, I feel like something is missing and empty....man I have felt empty. At first this was incredibly and right next to unbearably strong. I have had days where there are no tears, only thoughts and feelings, but other days I have found myself on my knees praying. Over the last month, some of these feelings have eased and calmed, but I am not sure the feeling that something is missing will ever go away. As I go through my day to day life I realize that this what it means to be "Held." I am still here and blessed with another day of life. But if it weren't for my faith and hope in God's promise, I do not know how I would ever find some semblance of peace. " Being "Held" is when I find out a best friend is pregnant and I can't get as excited as I want to be without sounding fake. The truth is, I can't get excited over things the way I used to....with anything. Being "Held" is finding out another friend is pregnant after her long struggle with infertility and I can't pick even pick up the phone yet to congratulate. I know she understands, bc when I told her I was pregnant, I saw her tears in her eyes. I have prayed for these friends and for God's will on their journey for pregnancy. I am truly happy for these friends, but I am unable to show it the way "Mary" would show it. Being "Held" is when the latter friend sends a letter to tell me her wonderful news and I cry, but not because I am jealous (yes, I want what she has, but jealous is a strong word), but bc she gets it; she understands. Being "Held" is getting a baby shower invitation to another best friend and taking a deep breath before I put the invitation on the refrigerator. BUT being "Held" is also having a 2 hour conversation with a friend from long ago about our lives and feeling like we have never lost touch. Its a great feeling. Being "Held" is a long weekend trip to Charleston with family. Being "Held" is piecing back the relationship with my father after so much has been said and done bc God says to honor our father and mother. Being "Held" is desparately waiting for August to get here. Being "Held" is falling asleep on my best friend, my true other half, and our dogs on a lazy Friday night.
"This is what it means to be held
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
and you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything failed
We'd be held"
Mary,
ReplyDeleteMy sweet friend. As I read this I began praying that you would experience the Comforter, otherwise known as the Holy Spirit, in a way that you never have. When Jesus left this earth He left us with the Comforter to be our counselor and well... comfort. You may always feel a void where your child once lived that sinks deep within you. You have been touched by life too shortly lived and have probably asked God why He would give you an angel and then take him/her away. You will never get your answer to that longing aching question. Honestly the only reasoning I can make of it is the sinful world we live in is in no way perfect or fair. The questions of "why us?", "why so long Lord?" "why not December?" are all tangled up in your mind and every day thoughts and will remain hanging in the unknown until eternity.
I pray for your healing daily. I pray for your marriage and maturity in Christ together with your husband. I pray that He uses all of this to rise you and Charlie up in His Word to complete His will for you two on this earth.
We are only temporary and the things of this world are temporary too. It's just stepping back and grabbing onto that perspective that is so vastly large and unfathomable at times and learning to trust, live in faith and believe He has a plan. Jer 29:11
I don't understand why there will be no baby for you in December. It upsets me to think that angel is gone and will never be in my camera lens and most of all our lives. He/She will have only left their fingerprint on your heart and Charlie's.
Please do not feel guilt in not being able to pick up the phone, that is not expected. I do get it. I also want to continue praying and being here for you and I will as long as God lets me.
I am so glad He is {holding} you. "Lay back against Him and breathe, feel His heart beat". This is when you can actually feel that. Unfortunately it takes negative situations to show us how to completely rely on Him and His plan; to get our eyes off ourselves and plans and back onto His.
I am so excited to see what God is going to do through your testimony. It is not all in vain; it will be for His glory.
All my prayers,
Jen