Sunday Storms Leave Monday Rain

Since I started this blog to chronicle our journey of infertility, pregnancy, and eventually sharing family updates; I have to be true to the blog's purpose and not hold back...even in the stormy chapters in life. So here goes....

I had been having signs since Friday that something was not quite right. We called the on-call phyician twice over the weekend. As Sunday rolled around, we found ourselves in the emergency room at 7:00 am. 5 1/2 hours later, we found out that our 11 week beloved miracle, was not more than 5 1/2-6 weeks old and they could not find a heartbeat bc the heart probably never started beating. After this news, I can honestly say, without hesitation, that I have never felt more vulnerable, humiliated, uncontrollable sadness, brokeness, emptiness, and helplessness at one time in my life. However, I found out that I was not alone; Charlie was right there with me.

On Monday, we went to the doctor to follow-up from Sunday's visit (but we had long awaited this appointment to hear our child's heartbeat for the first time), and the ultrasound and doctor confirmed that my body was trying to miscarry and that the yolk sack never formed. She went on to say that she has never seen this particular problem occur more than once in the same patient.

So where are we now? I cried myself to sleep last night in Charlie's arms. I woke up at 6:00 am this morning thinking this was all a nightmare and quickly realized this was reality. Arriving at the doctors' office, I knew I would immediately be challenged by all the baby bumps coming in for check-up. The first one I saw brought uncontrollable tears. For the first part of the appointment, I kept feeling like we were reliving yesterday's nightmare. Then we met with the doctor, who was relateable, calming, and began to ease my screaming soul. We were given options and hope for the future, and guess what.....We can start working on our family again in 1 month's time, I can start clomid again, and receive progestrone supplements when I become pregnant again. The good news, we can get pregnant!

My sister keeps telling me that "God will bless us." Hebrews 12: 7-8 says "Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? If you are not disciplined, then you are illegimate sons and not true sons." As Christians, we go through many times of discipline throughout our spiritual walk. In Jeremiah 31:13 the Lord says "I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow." Today, I have felt and seen things that I never want to experience again, but today I have laughed, been kissed by my husband, had fellowship with a dear friend (who is a sister to me) and family, and I have hope for the future. Through our tears and broken emotions, we have faith that one day, God will bless us with our family and for those days, I can't hardly wait. God bless and know in your darkest times, God will NEVER abandon you.