Tired

Not as in sleepy tired, but emotionally tired and drained of all the blood draws, testing, doctor's appointments, loss, crappy doctor's office, time passing, pain, the poking and prodding, etc. The doctors office called with my progesterone results yesterday, and 13.2 is not the number I was expecting to hear. When I was pregnant, my progesterone level was 34.9. I have a doctor's appointment on Tuesday afternoon and I am assuming, since I am not pregnant (btw, my pregnancy test this morning was negative) we are going to discuss a plan of action. I know he is not going to put me on Clomid this next month, which means that next month is going to turn into another barren month. Sick and tired of month after month of disappointment and heart breaks, I am going to discuss my own plan of action with him.

Currently, I am sitting 50/50 on making myself completely numb to this whole idea of getting pregnant for the next 2 months, until I take myself to the Reach Clinic (Charlie and I said we would give this 3 more months) -OR- just stopping every effort we are putting forth for baby and just see what happens. If we have a child, great; if not, it wasn't meant to be. Next month will be 20 months of this journey, and I am absolutely broken, exhausted, and just plain SICK of feeling this way!!!!! I am sick and tired or crying and feeling so weak and vulnerable over the infertility and the loss of our child. Those visions of taking our child to daycare and securing that carseat or holding our child after I give birth seem to be slipping further and further away. I am truly at my breaking point, and knowing how I handle things when I get to my breaking point; I just know that I am going to push this so far away and not want anything else to do with this fantasy that we are going to have a child of our own. Its a pattern that I am well aware of, I put up this wall, that doesn't ever fully come down, and harden myself against what has hurt me so badly. Emotionally, I am checking out.