Not Guilty



Today at church, I heard one of the most powerful songs I have EVER heard. Its called "Not Guilty" and sang by Mandisa. Below are the lyrics:



I stand accused

There's a list a mile long

Of all my sins

Of everything that I've done wrong

I'm so ashamed

There's nowhere left for me to hide

This is the day

I must answer for my life

My fate is in the Judge's hands

But then He turns to me and says



I know you

I love you

I gave My Life to save you

Love paid the price for mercy

My verdict not guilty



How can it be?

I can't begin to comprehend

What kind of grace

Would take the place of all my sin?



I stand in awe

Now that I have been set free

and the tears well up

as I look at that cross

Cause it should have been me



My fate was in the nail scarred hands

He stretched them out for me and said



I know you

I love you

I gave My Life to save you

Love paid the price for mercy

My verdict not guilty



I'm falling on my knees to thank You

With everything I am I'll praise You

So grateful for the words I heard

You say



I know you

I love you

I gave My Life to save you

Love paid the price for mercy

My verdict not guilty





Wow, I cannot even begin to explain my reaction to this song while it was sung this morning. I just get chills reading these lyrics. I googled all afternoon to find the name of the song and artist, and when I finally found it, I went to Wal-Mart and bought Mandisa's cd called Freedom. AMAZING!

My sister and I were talking Friday night and about life and faith. As I was explaining to my sister the things I have written below in other posts, I just crave for more of The Word, and Lori and I both described it as we just want to constantly be fed with The Word. We cannot get enough. I was explaining to her how much easier it was to deal with another month without a big fat positive on a preggie test, and Lori said it was the the only way she could get through Reagan's heart surgery. With God, all things are possible.

I Blinked...and the Weekend was OVER!!

We had a fantastic weekend. Ross and Lindsey came to visit Friday and Charlie had picked up steaks at The Peach Stand to grill that night. Some of you may not know what The Peach Stand is, but its a York County treasure, that when you pass through, you should just stop and visit. Needless to say, steaks from there are out of this world. Ross and Lindsey brought their dog, Hula, to visit as well. Bless her heart, Hula wants to play so badly, but our dogs, Tonka and Stella, only weigh 9 lbs between the 2 of them, so playing with 30 lb. cousin Hula didn't work out too well. Confession time: I am a Twilight Fanatic and "New Moon" was released on Friday night. Lori, my friend Erin, and I were in line at 11:00 pm at our local Wal-Mart to pick up our copy. In addition to my "ultimate fan edition" dvd, I also scored a REALLY nice "Team Edward" water bottle and some Twlight trading cards and temporary tattoos. The tattoos and cards are in the trash, and Edward Cullen is waiting for me for gym time use. I'll post a picture of the water bottle soon.
On Saturday, we celebrated our dear friend Gabe's 30th birthday party at Brixx in Blakeney and then some bowling action at SportsConnection.
We tried out Sunday school this past Sunday and LOVED IT!! We have never been to Sunday School together, but we thoroughly enjoyed our time and lesson. The people are Oakdale Baptist are super friendly and so eager to meet you and get you involved. I just may be talked into playing softball on the women's softball team...that should be very interesting.

With the weekend concluding, we also found out that I was not pregnant. As I was waking up this morning, I just knew that it didn't happen this month, and that's when I felt Charlie holding me, even though I hadn't yet said a word. I didn't turn over and cry and pull the covers over my head like I normally do, instead I lay in bed with my husband knowing that God has a plan and I know God will make good on His promise. Charlie noticed a peace about me this morning as we were getting ready to leave for work, and was surprised that I wasn't crying or that upset about it all. Don't get me wrong, I am disappointed that there is no baby, but I am thankful that the Clomid did its job, and I am thankful for God giving me strength to accept what I can't help this month. God hears my thoughts and knows just how badly I long for a child; He is the only one who understands what I cannot express in words. Its amazing that this month is the first time in such a long time that I do not feel inadequate and that I can't do what I was made to do. It will work out in God's time, and just like Lori tells me "You will have the right baby for you, and when you have your baby, you can't imagine having any other baby."

WOW Moments

Since my last post, I have REALLY noticed God present in my everyday life. Let me tell you a few intimate details about Charlie and me. When we were engaged, I felt in my heart that my faith was stronger than Charlie's. Now, I didn't just say I thought I was better or I acted better, but I had this deep feeling that I knew I was "saved" and for some reason Charlie was not quite there. You know how us Baptist's work...we are all about being saved....LOL. I knew that Charlie knew who the Lord was and that Charlie was baptized as an infant, but I longed for Charlie to tell me he was "saved." I COMPLETELY REALIZE that I have not been an example and have not always lived my life as I should, sometimes more than others, but I knew that if I died, I knew that I was going to HEAVEN. Last night Charlie and I were watching Season 2 of 24, rented from Netflix bc we are so loving the current season that we needed the background, so we are starting from scratch on 24. I was in this black/white striped sweater I wore to work and my oversized burgundy jogging pants, hair everywhere, rocking the same sinus headache I have had all week, Charlie cooked three meals for us last night bc he burnt the first (and stunk our house UP), the second was a frozen skillet meal (that in Charlie's words tasted like a customer he had worked for the previous week), and the third (also frozen skillet meal) was ok. About 7:30 pm our doorbell rings. Ummmm, we weren't expecting anyone and definitely did not look like it either. We opened the door and it was Pastor Jerry coming to visit. Our neurotic Morkie, Tonka, snapped at the Pastor when he tried to pet him (embaressing), so we had to put both Tonka and Stella up while he visited. We chit chatted about life and the church, etc., but then he shifted gears to Charlie and asked him "Charlie, do you know without a doubt if you died today that you are going to Heaven?" (WOW, talk about blunt...another reason I am drawn to this man.) Charlie hesitantly said "I think so, maybe...." Right then and there Pastor Jerry started witnessing to Charlie and Charlie WAS SAVED LAST NIGHT!!!! It was incredible. After we prayed, I opened up to Pastor Jerry that our conversations about faith were always at a surface level and how I longed for more than that with Charlie, and I married him hoping that if I became an example, Charlie would want what I had. I haven't done a fantastic job at being that example, but I am a work-in-progress. I have such joy knowing that I will see Charlie in Heaven with me one day, and now we can have these conversations that I have longed for. Pastor Jerry said he came by bc he knew he needed to talk to Charlie. WOW MOMENT!!! Pastor Jerry then asked Charlie if we had a good marriage, Charlie told him that we have a great marriage. Pastor Jerry said, do you want to make it even better? Pastor Jerry said, I am going to act like Charlie for a second. He came and knelt down in front of me, took my hands and said:

Pastor Jerry: "Hey Mary"

Mary: "Hey baby"

Pastor: "I love you"

Mary: "I love you more"

Pastor Jerry: "Mary, what can I pray for you today?"

We then prayed (again) and then Pastor Jerry said and then Charlie you need to read the Bible to her. Do this for 45 days and I promise your marriage will be off the charts. After Pastor Jerry left, we did just as he instructed, and I can't tell you today how happy, joyous, blessed, excited, etc. that I feel about not only Charlie, but my marriage to Charlie. Charlie gets baptized on 4/18/2010. I have no other words except the story to try to explain to you how this makes me feel. GOD HEARS US, not only through prayer, but through our thoughts. I am amazed.

In other news, God spoke to me again the other night when I met Lori at the Aquatic Center to watch my nephew Gavin at his swimming lesson. Back track about 14 months for a second, January 2009, my niece Reagan went through reconstructive heart surgery for her numerous heart defects. When Lori was pregnant with her, and over the course of the pregnancy finding out about the heart defects and her form of 8p deletion, it got to where I couldn't completely relax and I could never completely exhale. This went on from Lori's pregnancy in 2006/2007 until Reagan's heart surgery last year. After Reagan's surgery at Levine's, and driving home I could breathe and fully exhale. I wanted to do something in my life where I made a difference, I wanted to be a nurse. AppState didn't have a nursing program at that time, so who knows if I would've majored in it if they had it. I talked to my nursing friends and got their prospective, these thoughts never fully went away and I even looked into community college to start taking prereq's. Charlie sat me down and said with the economy and his job in limbo (at the time) it just couldn't happen. I have still had the desire to be a nurse, but I also have to do what is best for my family. Fast forward to the other night at swimming lessons, Lori said, you know I don't think you could be a nurse. I said why not. She said bc you have to take booster shots and stay up-to-date on your flu shots, and you can't even get flu shots, let alone you may not be able to take the booster shots bc of your Guillain-Barre. She was right and that was the closure I needed to know that nursing is not the career choice I should go with. But my point is that God used her to show me it wasn't the right choice for me, and I had just stopped long enough to FINALLY HEAR HIM!!!!

Speaking of Reagan, here is an old picture of her from last summer.

For now, Bye Bye, Peace Out, Holla, Magic!!

A Tuggin From Within...

Ok, I am about to completely "out" myself in this post, and just a warning, this could get lengthy. I don't even know where to start, so I will start from the beginning. I grew up Southern Baptist, and was baptized when I was 10 year old. I went to church quite often and completely submerged myself in my youth group throughout my teen years. Graduation came and went, and then came college. During college, I began to question my faith and what if there isn't a God, and I can even tell you the specific incident and college professor that began the onset of questions. Anyway, while I chose to "believe," I still questioned. Once I graduated from college, I found myself in a relationship that was not the healthiest. We lived together and there was NO promise of commitment. Every night I went to sleep, I prayed that God would not let me rot in hell for living this lifestyle, which I CHOSE!!!! I am telling you this to explain that this is when the "tugging," that I had been so far removed from, began once again. Deep within, I had this tugging that made me want to start pursuing Christ again, but I didn't know how to go about it. We visited church together a couple of times, but I almost couldn't stand to sit in the church pew or seat bc I felt like such a hypocrite living the lifestyle I CHOSE TO LIVE. I prayed to God at night to "knock me on my rear if this was not the right guy for me bc I was too stubborn to act otherwise." Without any further details, I was knocked completely on my rear by this person's actions, but more importantly I was knocked down by God's master plan. Again, I tell you this story to clearly show when the "tugging" started. I dusted myself off and prayed numerous times during the day for God to take the pain and rejection away and to give me peace and patience for what He had in store for me. However, while I was praying these prayers, I was still going out and living a big lifestyle and partying a little too much. One day, Charlie was on my voicemail, and I remember how just hearing this voice I hadn't heard in so long just brought the biggest smile to my face. Charlie and I began dating (and well you can read all about that in my first post) and married. Throughout our marriage we have been challenged in our little family and within our extended families. Some of those challenges in chronological order: my niece Reagan was born in May 2008, who is a special needs child suffering from, what we now know is a mild form of 8p deletion (google it), I became ill with Guillain-Barre Syndrome in the summer of 2008 where I literally thought I was going to die and abandon Charlie to fend for himself, month after month of disappointment from negative pregnancy tests, and finally my parents' very bitter split. Throughout these difficult times, I prayed and prayed for God to wrap His arms around little Reagan and our family, for God to make me healthy again, and for a + pregnancy test, and for my father to get the boot from his newfound girlfriend and to feel some hurt like the rest of us. But you know what I NEVER prayed for???? For God's will and for these instances to bring us (Charlie and me) closer to HIM. What was I thinking???!!? Throughout these last 2 years, I have really had an internal craving for God, but I haven't acted on it or put much effort in pursuing God's will like I should. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??? "Crazy Love" explains that our love dynamic with God is just that "Crazy Love," we NEED to love Him and live our lives for Him, but we don't always do that. God, however, doesn't have to love us or be there for us, but He constantly is. He bears OUR burdens and all we do is acknowledge Him maybe when we feel like or its convenient. Now that I find Charlie and I in this boat of infertility that many experience and struggle with, here I am once again praying for a positive test and eventually a healthy child and not for God's will. So now I come to the part where I am openly challenging myself to actively pursue God's will and to PRAY for God's will in our life and for life's experiences to bring me closer to HIM. If I surround myself with God's word then I can arm myself to be better prepared for the curves and bends in the road called life. I challenge myself and Charlie to go to church and become involved in the church. I think God is preparing me to become a mother and to become the person that "trains up their child" in God's hands and actively seeking God's will along the way. WOW that felt amazing to get off of my chest. Thank you Lord for giving me the courage and strength to write what is written above and for clarifying your current purpose for my life.

As an afterthought - *Thank you Jenny H (I don't even know your last name), but you really inspire me and I can see similarities between us, not just in what we are going through, but in our blogs, and book interests. I picked up Having a Mary Spirit in a Martha World last summer, got lost in it (reading on the chairs at Barnes and Noble), but never bought it. You inspired me to pick it back up again. Thank you also to my dear friend Meredith Davis for inspiring me to not only blog (haha) and being the fabulous friend you are, but for getting some great books out there to read and for indirectly introducing me to Jenny H. Today I went to BN on my lunch and bought "Having a Mary Spirit in a Martha World" and "So Long Insecurities." SO EXCITED!!

The Best News All Week....

...and its only Tuesday!! Last Friday, I went to my doctor for my progesterone day 21 testing. Thank goodness this time, I didn't end up with a bruised arm like last month. I was told the nurse would call within the next 2-3 days with my results. Well, I am not blessed with patience, so I have been stalking the nurse today trying to find out the results. As it turns out, last month's progesterone level was 4.1, which is why I was put on Clomid in the first place. This month, it turns out that my progesterone level was 15.6, which means the Clomid achieved it purpose. I immediately called Charlie to tell him the good news, and we are both so happy and hopeful as we feel this is the first month in a year that we have been given a "fair" chance for Baby Cagle. I am really trying not to get my hopes up, but at the moment its near impossible. Please pray for us, but more than that please pray for God's will on our marriage and family. As my 2 year old niece, Reagan, says, Bye Bye, Peace Out, Holla, Magic (not sure about this, but we go with it bc its so cute).

Weekend, Here and Gone

This was an amazing weekend in our household. Saturday, Lori (again, my most amazing sister) and I had a girl's day at Southpark. We NEVER get to do this, but it was just her and me, and I am just reminded why she is my best friend (aside from Charlie). After some shopping, we hit up Cheesecake Factory for some cheesecake and coffee for lunch. It was just great getting to have sister time and not be in a hurry to get home.

This morning we were also invited to go to church some friends. I was so thankful they invited us. Since we have been here, we have been on and off trying to find a church that we both like and agree on. However, within minutes of being in our seats, the Pastor walked up to us and introduced himself and let us know how happy he was that we were visiting. The music was amazing, and to be honest, that is where I really feel the closest to God and where I really feel His presence. We both left this church really grateful for the invitation. Could this be the church we call "Home?" Not sure yet, but we do know, we will be back in those chairs next Sunday morning. Thanks again Chris and Neely.

Fraud, No Thank You

We bank with Bank of America. Yesterday I noticed a strange 315 number on my missed call log on the cell. The same number called again this morning, and this time I answered it. It was a Bank of America rep. who called to tell me that there was fraudulent activity with Charlie's debit card as a result of a skimmer. My thoughts "skimmer, what?" So apparently someone made a counterfeit version of Charlie's debit card and took it for a ride at Wal-Mart in Seneca, SC for the amount of $105.64. The perpetrator tried to use it 5 times for this transaction. It finally took once and I noticed, through my daily inspection of transactions, that a strange pending transaction was present on our detail, and added a Bank of America call to my to-do list for the day. Apparently, skimmers are attached to gas pumps (think pay-at-the-pump) and ATM machines, etc. and they steal/read the magnetic information from your card, including your PIN number. Scary, right? So the lady tells me that I can google "skimmers" and it will provide knowledge of what to look for at ATM machines, etc. If you spot one, walk away casually and call the police as this is about the only way to catch these perpetrators in action. Below is a way google tells you to spot these skimmers.

I can't fight the urge that if I found a skimmer on an ATM machine, that I wouldn't try to rip it off myself, stomp it into pieces, and do a victory dance over the dead skimmer. Get a life criminals, everyone is given an opportunity to be legally successful, you should try it sometime.

RAAARRRR, Retract Those Claws

Ok, so about that Clomid: Remember how I wrote that my only symptom were the hot flashes?? Well, maybe I spoke too soon (something I tend to do often). Symptom #2: Mood Swings. What do I mean by this? Let's start with Sunday, I was talking to my mom on the phone and she had a doctor's appointment on Tuesday that she had asked Lori (my amazing sister) and I to accompany her to two weeks prior to this telephone conversation. Well, I have this appointment written down in my planner, and had planned to work over a couple hours on Monday to take off on Tuesday, instead of dipping into my annual leave. Remember, got to save that vacation and sick leave for hopeful future Baby Cagle. Well, Mom couldn't make up her mind and didn't know if she wanted Lori and I to go with her or if she still wanted to go to this consultation, and instead, she wanted her friend Nancy to go, or so she thought. She then says "Are you mad?" My response "No, but I just need you to make up your mind and quit being so indecisive? Are you going or aren't you? Your appointment is on Tuesday and tomorrow is Monday. I have to work over tomorrow to go with you, and you don't know if you want me to go, you need to tell me now. Dang, this Clomid." She just burst into laughter, which then made me laugh and I was fine. Additionally, Charlie's shoes all over the downstairs where he took them off and left them wasn't helping matters either. Fast forward to Tuesday. I noticed on Tuesday and already starting out today that I have just been extra feisty and really quick to get upset. Geez, I thought these symptoms were only going to last for a few days after the Clomid was finished. WRONG!!

Symptom #3: mild acne. Ok, not to brag, but I have been blessed with fair and clear skin. However, I have noticed that I have had these zits (you know the ones that never really surface into a head, but just bumps under the skin) on my forehead. They are not all over my forehead, but they are in the center above my nose, which when I inspect them, I see the wrinkles that have begun to develop as a result of raising my eyebrows in states of shock and/or amazement.

Clomid, you are a hassle, but I hope that you can achieve your purpose for me.

Upgrades and Family Time

This weekend was fantastic. Friday, our new bedroom furniture was delivered, and we have upgraded to a king sized bed (sound the choir voices with "Hallejuh"). However, Charlie will not let me splurge on the king size bedding just yet. The deal was, if we get the furniture, I have to hold off on my decorating for awhile, which, if you know me well, is KILLING ME!! Saturday was a fabulous day with some of my closest friends, Lindsey, Therin, and Anna, at Blakeney. We wanted to try somewhere other than Birkdale or Southpark, so Blakeney it was. I can never get enough time in with my ladies. That night we met up with Morgan and Terrance and the our spouses +Scottie for night out at my favorite mexican eatery, Cantina 1511, in Dilworth. YUM for SkinnyGirl margaritas, fajitas, and spicy guacomole with those I consider my second family. Life is grand!!

Meet my friend Clomid

With that doctor's appointment on month 11, I left with my prescription in hand for my new bff Clomid. Now, for those of you who do not know what Clomid is used for; google it. My experience with Clomid was not a horrible one. In fact, my only real side effect from this medication were the hot flashes and I mean HOT FLASHES!! I could be riding down I-77 on my way home, freezing cold outside, and have to roll the window down and turn the A/C on. One day, I was in my office talking to a coworker and my upper lip just started to sweat. My first notable hot flash happened last Friday morning when the heat just came over me and I dashed into my neighbor's office and turned the fan on and stood with my face in front of the fan. No, I am not "milking" the situation for attention...this stuff really happens. Other women's symptoms can be mood swings, acne, insomnia, stomach cramping, and of course the hot flashes. With all that Charlie and I have experienced over the last year, I know that one day seeing the double lines on the test will be so worth it. As my sister Lori says "You will have the right baby for you, and when you have your baby, you can't imagine it being any other way."

And the roller coaster begins....

For the next 11 months, there were several times that we truly believed we were pregnant. With that came many ups and downs, and every month that I was not pregnant made it seem like I would never see the double lines or the word "pregnant" on a test. Even though Charlie wanted child, he could never understand why I was upset at the end of every month. I felt like I couldn't do what I was made to do. Now during these 11 months, I kept wondering why this was not happening for us. Charlie travels a lot with his job and he is very important in the process. We also experienced stress with the separation of my parents during April/May 2009 after almost 41 years of marriage. I honestly think its worse being an adult child of divorce as opposed to experiencing divorce as a child because you know what drives a marriage, what it takes to make it work, and what it really means when one parent strays. I tell you all of this to explain that I had STRESS and we were attributing the lack of pregnancy to all of the stress. Finally, I made a doctor's appointment to get to the bottom of the situation.....

Baby Fever Sets In

In February 2009, I went to Washington, D.C. for 1 month to work. While there, we thought I was pregnant because I missed a few "pills," the heightened sense of smell, and nausea. I cannot explain what happened exactly, we just know that the "switch" was flipped during that time, and when we found out I was not pregnant, we were crushed. Needless to say, there have been no refills on the birth control since February 2009, and I have this strong and unending desire to be a mother, which really words cannot express.

How it all started

Let's start with the basics. I first saw my husband our senior year in high school. We went to neighboring high schools and I can tell you where we were and what he was doing the first time I saw him. Throughout our senior year in high school, I randomly saw him and knew I wanted to get to know this person. My freshman year of college, we finally met when he came to visit friends at Appalachian State, where I went to school. From this point on, our paths kept crossing, even at the craziest times, and a friendship grew. Finally, in August of 2006, we began hanging out and have not left each other's side since. He is my best friend, lover, companion for life, and I have a complete sense of euphoria when I think about everything in life we get to experience together. Ahhh, I LOVE that feeling. We were engaged in June 2007 and married in November 2007 (we do not waste time). We were content in spending time together traveling, hanging out with friends, establishing our life together, and occasionally babysitting my niece and nephew, who could always be given back to mom and dad. We had a 5 year plan before we would consider starting a family.