Lights, Camera, Action

SUPER excited to show off my new camera:

Introducing the new Kodak m580, with Share button feature!!!!











With 8x optical zoom, 14 mega pixel, 3 inch lcd screen, and it has this really neat "Share" button on it so I can immediately post on facebook, flicker, videos on youtube, access to Kodak galleries (??), and email. The Kodak website had it for $199 marked down to $149. Wal-mart had a bundle package that included the camera, 4 gb memory card, and a camera case for $149.00. So I bought the bundle, but it was only available in the pink color, which I think screams "I heart Justin Bieber!!" and "Let's trade silly bandz!!" too much for me. Sooo, I plan to take back the pink color to my local Wal-mart and get the dark purple or silver one. But with 14 mega pixels, I will definitely be needing that memory card. Thank you Wal-mart.

I have to be honest, it used to bug me so badly when out with girlfriends and that all that was getting accomplished was picture taking. Where were we enjoying our evening/time together bc of all the pictures that were being taken?? When I was pregnant (wow, that sounds weird), I began begging Charlie to get me a new camera. I wanted to document EVERYTHING, but I didn't want to do so on our old camera bc Stella had chewed the cord and it was a piece!! So now, looking back the only picture I have of those brief moments with our child is the one that appears in the post below "Bump Status." The pregnancy tests were trashed and so was that belly pic from my phone bc it was just too painful. The whole experience has given me a new appreciation for wanting to remember EVERYTHING bc we never know when we won't get to talk to someone, laugh with someone, or even place our hand on our bellies giving thanks for the blessings within before they slip away. So here is our new camera to capture those memories and being able to remember the blessings through all the pictures. Life is sooo precious and so is the miracle of life, so let's make sure we tell those around us how much we care and capture a moment or two. God Bless!!

Challenges, Hope, and Faith

Well, today was my first day back to work and I am not going to lie, it was TOUGH!!! My coworkers have been amazing: last week a beautiful bouquet of flowers arrived at our house, an increbibly sweet card arrived in the mail on Friday, and I had cards and sweets (someone really knows the way to my heart) on my desk waiting for me this morning. It makes my heart sing to know that my coworkers are such spiritual people and really know God. Thank you.

Where are we now? Well, the mornings are really tough and so are the nights. So far tonight, I am good. I am still very hopeful for our future, but at the same time I have been running all the possible scenarios through my head about why God called our child away from us too early. What I have learned this week is that this is a loss, I am the mother of a child who is no longer here, we are grieving, Charlie grieves differently than me, I have anguish, I am in emotional overdrive, and I NEVER knew I could love someone so much and never have seen their face. Hannah's Hope quotes "God's word never said we were not to grieve our losses. It says we are not to grieve as those who have no hope." We should always have hope and faith in our Creator bc through Him all things are possible. Hebrews 11:1, 6 says "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to Him must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him."
At church yesterday we discussed that we need to be thankful for all the blessings that we receive everday and take forgranted. I woke up this morning, I saw Charlie's face (and kissed it too), I have a job, I spoke to both my parents and in-laws today, I walked the dogs tonight, felt the breeze on my face during my bike ride, and am snuggled into my huge bed with my dogs. Yes, we are being challenged at this moment and have little footprints that are left on our hearts, but we have eachother and we have hope and faith for our future. I love you Charlie, you are my world, my heart, my everything.

Sunday Storms Leave Monday Rain

Since I started this blog to chronicle our journey of infertility, pregnancy, and eventually sharing family updates; I have to be true to the blog's purpose and not hold back...even in the stormy chapters in life. So here goes....

I had been having signs since Friday that something was not quite right. We called the on-call phyician twice over the weekend. As Sunday rolled around, we found ourselves in the emergency room at 7:00 am. 5 1/2 hours later, we found out that our 11 week beloved miracle, was not more than 5 1/2-6 weeks old and they could not find a heartbeat bc the heart probably never started beating. After this news, I can honestly say, without hesitation, that I have never felt more vulnerable, humiliated, uncontrollable sadness, brokeness, emptiness, and helplessness at one time in my life. However, I found out that I was not alone; Charlie was right there with me.

On Monday, we went to the doctor to follow-up from Sunday's visit (but we had long awaited this appointment to hear our child's heartbeat for the first time), and the ultrasound and doctor confirmed that my body was trying to miscarry and that the yolk sack never formed. She went on to say that she has never seen this particular problem occur more than once in the same patient.

So where are we now? I cried myself to sleep last night in Charlie's arms. I woke up at 6:00 am this morning thinking this was all a nightmare and quickly realized this was reality. Arriving at the doctors' office, I knew I would immediately be challenged by all the baby bumps coming in for check-up. The first one I saw brought uncontrollable tears. For the first part of the appointment, I kept feeling like we were reliving yesterday's nightmare. Then we met with the doctor, who was relateable, calming, and began to ease my screaming soul. We were given options and hope for the future, and guess what.....We can start working on our family again in 1 month's time, I can start clomid again, and receive progestrone supplements when I become pregnant again. The good news, we can get pregnant!

My sister keeps telling me that "God will bless us." Hebrews 12: 7-8 says "Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? If you are not disciplined, then you are illegimate sons and not true sons." As Christians, we go through many times of discipline throughout our spiritual walk. In Jeremiah 31:13 the Lord says "I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow." Today, I have felt and seen things that I never want to experience again, but today I have laughed, been kissed by my husband, had fellowship with a dear friend (who is a sister to me) and family, and I have hope for the future. Through our tears and broken emotions, we have faith that one day, God will bless us with our family and for those days, I can't hardly wait. God bless and know in your darkest times, God will NEVER abandon you.

I have "Bump Status"

The word "status" is thrown around between my sister and me constantly. For example, here are 2 statements from Lori:

1) "I can't wait to have "Aunt Status." - when we were trying to get pregnant

2) "Do I have "Hot Momma Status?" - when she was losing the baby weight from Reagan

Well, now I have my own status "Bump Status." This week I have been out of town working, and when walking by the mirror in the hotel room bathroom, I saw this guy, which had just popped out to say HI!

Here we are at 10.5 weeks. Umm, we are really starting to wonder how many are in my belly. Well, we go to the doctor on Monday to hear the heartbeat and hopefully get a head count.

I also have to say that I have read Jenny McCarthy's "Belly Laughs." A dear friend told me read it and don't doubt for a second that her symptoms won't happen to you. Well, I am a pretty even-kiltered person (except when you are hurtful towards those I love), but "Psycho Chick" came to visit last Friday. When I say "Psycho Chick," Charlie made the statement "I just can't do anything right today, can I?" (he has never said that to me EVER), I laughed and cried at the same time, and criticized every move he made. Needless to say, I put myself to bed early that night.

I am also REALLY sensitive to people's comments now. For example, my boss who is not always the most tactful person says to me 2 weeks ago (after glaring at the belly region) "Your clothes are getting fitted; how are you coping with that?" Me "I don't have anything to cope with; I am ecstatic!" Today, after she saw the pic above, she said "Gettin chubby." Our friend told me last night after we made a pit stop by McDonald's for supper (I got a kids meal) "Wow, you are just going to turn into a little McDonald's aren't you?" These people are lucky that "Psycho Chick" wasn't in town on these occasions. Its interesting that people's courtesy and sensitivity to pregnant women lack sometimes, but honestly I don't care too much...we waited long enough for our miracle that I will endure anything. Update on Monday!! Happy weekend and Thank you Father for our miracle. I thank you everyday, multiple times per day, but thank you again!!!