Its Been Awhile

Good morning friends. My apologies for the lack of posting as I have been in and out with travel for work and being lazy with my hubbs. When you aren't around eachother for big parts of the week, I just want to spend all my time with him doing nothing...or eating REALLY bad food at the WING KING (which is not doing anything to help those last 2 inches I want to shed from the waistline)!! I feel like I have spent July in the holding cell or on the sidelines just waiting for August to arrive. Yes, I have enjoyed life: lunch dates with friends, pool time with other friends, shopping, seeing a VERY dear friend for the first time since my birthday in January, movei date with hubbs to see "Eclipse," decorating the house and thinking of new ideas for the bedroom, picking out crown moulding and paint to start repainting, and of course going to church. All of these things bring me great joy as I just LOVE some FELLOWSHIP! Where has my new camera been when I needed it to capture these memories?? Note to self: must do better!!

So about that holding cell/sidelines. August is almost here and I cannot wait until I can start popping the Clomid once again. My worst fear: that it will take 14 months to get pregnant again, which when I was explaining this to my therapist, he told me that I need to calm down and to quit stressing bc stress does not work well for our bodies. As August quickly approaches, I am starting to do things that are taking my stress level down a notch: seeing my therapist, a massage, a bubble bath or two, and I am reading a great book "I Will Carry You," which has put so many things in perspective. I am also cutting out the caffeine again. I got back into the caffeine, especially my morning coffee and Diet Coke a day (caffeine free Diet Cokes are not good). I am excercising and trying to go to the gym and working on the house. (I will post before and after pics of the family room). Anyway, off to another day at the office and another evening of painting. Hubbs is going to be so happy when he comes home to all the changes in the house.

4 Day Weekend

So for the 4th of July, we vacationed in Folly Beach with my sister Lori, BIL Rob, and nephew and niece, Gavin and Reagan. We stayed in a wonderful house on the river, shopped our hearts (and wallets out), enjoyed a great glass of wine over a romantic meal at High Cotton, cooled off with some frozen yogurt at Fresh Berry, enjoyed a sinful cupcake from Cupcake, enjoyed amazing breakfasts at Joseph's and Lost Dog, enjoyed an afternoon with my Gavin and Reagan experiencing Charleston for their first time in the fountain and along with candy and gelato galore, spending quality time together with many laughs, another experience of a "Harrill correcting a Harrill" moment, an awesome firework display on the USS Yorktown. Here are some pics:

Held

I have been writing this post for a few days, but have been thinking about it for the past 3 weeks or so. So, for the past 3 weeks on my way to work, at least 2-3 mornings on my drive into Charlotte I have heard Natalie Grant's song "Held" on the radio. I have really listened to the words and find that this song is so true about life. Everyday, every passing minute whether I am alone or with others, I feel like something is missing and empty....man I have felt empty. At first this was incredibly and right next to unbearably strong. I have had days where there are no tears, only thoughts and feelings, but other days I have found myself on my knees praying. Over the last month, some of these feelings have eased and calmed, but I am not sure the feeling that something is missing will ever go away. As I go through my day to day life I realize that this what it means to be "Held." I am still here and blessed with another day of life. But if it weren't for my faith and hope in God's promise, I do not know how I would ever find some semblance of peace. " Being "Held" is when I find out a best friend is pregnant and I can't get as excited as I want to be without sounding fake. The truth is, I can't get excited over things the way I used to....with anything. Being "Held" is finding out another friend is pregnant after her long struggle with infertility and I can't pick even pick up the phone yet to congratulate. I know she understands, bc when I told her I was pregnant, I saw her tears in her eyes. I have prayed for these friends and for God's will on their journey for pregnancy. I am truly happy for these friends, but I am unable to show it the way "Mary" would show it. Being "Held" is when the latter friend sends a letter to tell me her wonderful news and I cry, but not because I am jealous (yes, I want what she has, but jealous is a strong word), but bc she gets it; she understands. Being "Held" is getting a baby shower invitation to another best friend and taking a deep breath before I put the invitation on the refrigerator. BUT being "Held" is also having a 2 hour conversation with a friend from long ago about our lives and feeling like we have never lost touch. Its a great feeling. Being "Held" is a long weekend trip to Charleston with family. Being "Held" is piecing back the relationship with my father after so much has been said and done bc God says to honor our father and mother. Being "Held" is desparately waiting for August to get here. Being "Held" is falling asleep on my best friend, my true other half, and our dogs on a lazy Friday night.

"This is what it means to be held
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
and you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything failed
We'd be held"